Welcome to my Life
by lone-poppy
Summary: What happens when Ray is pushed too far? Will he want Neela's help? Sorry not good at the summary. Ray and Neela
1. Ray's Family

XXXXXXXX

**_2.20am Sunday the 12th, March 2006 – Ray & Neela's Apartment_**

"Oh god!" Neela pulled the pillow over her head; she wanted to sleep, that's all she wanted to do right now. If that ringing would just stop she was sure she'd go back to sleep. Rolling over, she peeked out from under her pillow to see the thick red numbers on her alarm clock; 2:21. "Great," Neela said as she rolled over, she had to be back at the hospital in three hours.

In her semi dazed state she recognized Ray's ring tone. "Ray!" She called out as the ringing volume increased. "Ray, answer your phone." Neela wearily stumbled out of bed toward the living room, narrowly missing the doorframe as she stumbled into the next room.

She could hear the phone but couldn't see anything. Neela spent a brief moment feeling the wall behind her for the light switch before flicking it on, instantly wishing she hadn't as the glow blinded her. Digging around on the floor, she found Ray's ringing jeans and groped the pockets trying to retrieve the offending phone. She sighed irritably as it stopped ringing just as she dragged it free.

Dropping onto the couch, Neela settled her head on a cushion and thought for a moment about watching some television, wondering if there was any point in trying to go back to sleep. But this was as comfortable as she'd been all night if she just hadn't turned on that bloody light. The light became the least of her concerns as she felt the phone begin to vibrate in her hand.

"Ray," she called again before flipping the now ringing phone open, "Yes ... No, you've got the right number. I'll wake him ..." Taking the cell away from her ear, "Gladly," Not even bothering to knock on his door, Neela walked into Ray's room. His sleeping body was wrapped in a blanket with his arms draped protectively over a pillow. _'Thank god it was only a pillow.' _she said to herself. "Ray, wake up." Neela pulled the pillow from his arms and fell onto his bed. "Ray." Neela squeezed his shoulder and then started to shake him in an attempt to wake him.

"I'm not working today," was Ray's muffled reply.

"Ray, wake up. It's some girl." Neela handed him the cell and pulled some of his quilt over her bare legs. "Can you tell them not to call in the middle of the night."

"Yeah," Ray said as he leaned on the cell. "Who?" Ray suddenly sat straight up in bed. "You're where? ... NO ... NO ... Yeah well, this is what it feels like!" With that Ray snapped his cell shut.

Neela watched him grip the cell so tight that his knuckles turned white. She pulled the pillow a little closer to herself as she listened to Ray drew in a few deep breaths. He seemed to be staring at it blankly waiting for something to happen. Than without warning he pulled his arm back and pitched the phone at the wall with enough force that it shattered on impact.

"Ray!" Neela jumped up startled his reaction to the call. "What was that?"

"I'm sorry." Ray pulled his knees up, wrapping his arms around them and burying his head for a moment before raising it again. "I'm sorry," he said quietly as he shook his head a few times.

"Who was that?" It wasn't uncommon for him to get call at all times of the night and day but Neela realized that something was very wrong, "Ray."

"No one." His voice was muffled as he buried his head between his knees again only this time he covered it with both his arms.

"Ray." Neela caught a glimpse of Ray's face. His cheeks were flushed his eyes rimmed red. He was hiding from her; he was also hiding whoever it was on the phone from her as well.

"It was my mother," Ray's voice rose just above a whisper. "If you'd even call her that."

The wobble in his voice confirmed what Neela couldn't see. "But she said her name was Jane Copper."

"That's her, dear old mom."

Sitting back down on the bed, Neela gently placed her hand on the top of his knee, "What did she want?" Neela knew little of Ray's family mostly because he never really spoke about them; she suspected that he used the odd comments he'd make about his mother holidaying in an odd location to deflect attention away from his family; away from him. But when it came to the real story she knew it hurt him. It seemed to Neela that it was better to just pretend that he didn't have any family. She'd taken her lead from him and never asked any questions and she wasn't sure that now was the time to start.

"She wants me to pick her up."

"And you don't want to do that?" Neela didn't know what to say.

"She wants me to get her from the Bridgeport police station. She wants me to bail her out."

"Oh." Neela really didn't know what to say now.

"She was never there for me, not once," he turned his head away from Neela. "I asked her to come to my graduation ... from medical school. I've never asked for anything from them. Never ..."

Neela could see Ray's shoulders shaking. "Ray," Her voice was barely above a whisper as she reached out. She wasn't sure if she should touch him so her hand hovered just over his shoulder.

"I didn't ask for money to pay for school … I didn't want any from her … I just asked if she could come to my graduation. I thought she be proud … only _mom _couldn't find the time." Ray said as he turned to face Neela the first tear fell. "But don't worry, Mom's got my number as soon as she needs something."

XXXXXXXX

**_6:15am Monday the 15th, January 2007 – County General Hospital _**

Ray had been standing in the ambulance bay for the last 20 minutes, pacing back and forth with no real purpose. The night had really slowed down in the last few hours; he had managed to discharge all his patients except one; he was only waiting on a psych consult and the intern who he needed to sign him over to. At first he could only hear the crunch of the footsteps in the snow, he turned and a shy smile cocked the corner of his mouth as her saw her round the corner of the building. The smile disappeared as quickly as it came.

He dropped his head for a moment drawing in a deep breath of freezing air. It was meant to calm him but all he managed to do was burn his lungs. He pulled his old green coat more tightly around himself before looking up to focus on the couple walking toward him.

"Hey, Ray," Neela said. She couldn't tell from the blank expression on his face if he was even looking at her.

"Hi. Gates, you got a minute?" Ray was hoping that Neela wouldn't stop, just as that thought entered his head, the voice inside him told him he didn't need to worry about that anymore. Neela hadn't stopped to talk to him in months.

"Not really, I'm running late." Gates just smiled at him and continued to follow Neela as she made her way toward the main entrance.

"I know ... I can't leave until you get in," Ray called after him.

"Well I'm here now, so you can go." Tony turned and gave Ray a rye smile and then turned back.

"Gates." Ray's voice was firm as he called after him again.

Turning quickly, Gates walked back to Ray. "What?"

"Meg came in last night … she thought you were working." Ray wasn't sure what he was going to achieve by bring it up. But he wanted Gates to know that he had seen Meg; had spoken to her. Ray had had plenty of time to think about it while he waited. He wasn't going to say anything until he saw Gates round the corner with Neela. He'd been waiting outside because Gates was late and it was his last overnight for the month and all he wanted was to go home. "You'd better be putting your time into the right things." Ray paused. "Y'know one thing."

"I get it and I got it the first three times you warned me." stepping closer to Ray, he said, "She's a big girl … she can look after herself."

"Yeah, which one?" This time Ray pushed closer to Gates.

"Neela doesn't need you ..." Tony smiled and took a step back so he could pat Ray on the back, "not anymore anyway."

"Hey. Ray."

Ray turned to see Luka standing just a few feet from the entrance to the ER. "Yeah."

"I need your help."

"Sorry, I'm off." Ray was trying to keep his depressed expression to himself.

"I need you. Pratt called in sick and we've got four criticals rolling in from a head-on collision." Luka turned after finding the missing doctor he was looking for. "Gates, help Sam set up."

_**4:45pm **_

Swinging his backpack over his right shoulder, Ray couldn't believe that it had taken him ten hours to be standing back in the ambulance bay. Only this time, he was leaving, not waiting, not pacing; he was finally going home. He pulled his hood up over his head hoping to protect himself from the freezing wind; it also had the added benefit of blocking his view of another bus pulling in.

Two of the four from the head-on this morning had died; one was the driver of the car that had crossed to the wrong side of the road, the other, a 14 year old boy who never had a chance; he wasn't wearing a seatbelt and he had been thrown through the front windshield.

It was amazing that the boy made it as far as County.

XXXXXXXX

**_11:45pm Monday the 15th January – West Garfield Park, Chicago, Illinois_**

"_What the hell were you thinking, Barnett?" _Ray wasn't sure how long he'd been walking. It was that voice in his head that had dragged him out of his nice warm apartment and now his feet were frozen and he was lost. The edges of the pavement were covered in dirty brown snow and rubbish.

Walking hadn't changed anything. The boy from this morning was still dead, he'd tried to keep him alive until his parents arrived but the boy just couldn't hold on. His mother fell into Ray's arms and was unable to hold herself up; he didn't even get to finish saying that they did everything he could. This morning her life was perfect and he shattered with two words. '_I'm sorry.' _

'_You couldn't help that kid or his mother anymore than you can help yourself'_. When things troubled him as a child he would walk for hours along the river or to a friend's house. He never understood why bad things happened to good people. That mother loved her son; Ray had stayed with her almost an hour as she told him how good he was at sports and school; that she was planning his surprise birthday party. That she had asked a friend to take him to school so she could pick up the invitations before she went to work.

As Ray listen he thought of his own mother. She didn't even remember his birthday. Why had this mother lost her only child when she would have done anything to keep him safe? And his mother didn't consider Ray anything more than a burden.

No matter how hard he tried he couldn't get her to love him; to really want him. He'd been a good kid; well compared to his friends he was. He had always been good at school. Hell he was a doctor but his mother had never seen that

So Ray walked. He was out in the freezing wind as the snow started to fall because his apartment was full of boxes. Because he lost that kid. Because it wasn't the kids mother he couldn't get out of his head; it was his own mother.

He'd been following the El tracks, he hadn't grown-up in this town and he was hoping by following the tracks he wouldn't get lost. Only he was lost. It must have been half an hour since he turned down a street and lost sight of the tracks. "_Good one Ray!"_ He really had no idea where he was or how to get back to his apartment.

Ray heard voices at first; faint voices. But the street soon fell silent again. The only thing he could hear was that voice in his head and right now he was trying to put as much distance between him and it as possible. '_I'm going nuts, I'm trying to get away from a voice in my head…..'_

Maybe it was being so wrapped up in the conversation he was having with himself that caused him not to notice; maybe it was just the 36 hours since he'd last slept. But Ray hadn't realized he'd turned into a street filled with abandoned buildings where the broken street lights far outweighed the working ones.

His thoughts were disrupted by the sound of footsteps crunching over the snow, and too late he realized the danger he was in, spinning just in time to see the faint light glint off the edge of the blade.

XXXXXXXX


	2. Who Paged Her?

**Disclaimer:** Without Prejudice. The names of all characters contained here-in are the property of John Well, WB & NBC. No Infringements of these copyrights are intended, and are used here without permission (But if I did own them I would do something like the following with them).

**Pairing:** Ray/Neela

**Spoilers:** Everything up to City of Mercy

**Medical Information:** I have listed below some terms and treatments used for this fic.

**D5W Solution**: A solution of 5 dextrose in water, sometimes called D5W, is often used instead of normal solution if the patient is at risk for having low blood sugar or high sodium. The choice of fluids may also depend on the chemical properties of the medications being given.

**Ulnar pulse** - located on the little finger side of the wrist

**Back-strap** – A back-strap is a hard split that is used to hold a broken arm or leg flat and in-place when it can not be plastered due to other injuries.

**XXXXXXXXXXXXXXX**

**_1:40am Tuesday the 16th January – County General_**

Ducking her head around the corner, Abby found Luka sitting on the bench with a steaming cup of coffee in his hands. "Hey." Abby smiled as she watched him jerk his head up, spilling some of the coffee onto his gloves. "What're you doing out here?" pulling her coat around herself, as she sat down next to him.

"Watching the snow … It's really starting to come down." Luka said as he turned his head to see Abby shivering next to him. He pulled himself a little higher she he could wrap one arm around her shoulders and pull her closer to him.

"They already shut down the airport and if it keeps up, the trains and roads will be next."

"You should go home before we both get trapped here."

Abby laced her fingers into his. "I'm not off till six." Abby wasn't even finished talking when he began to nuzzle into Abby's neck and to kiss his way to her ear.

"That's one of the benefits---"

"Luka," Sam called as she jogged over to him. "Ahh sorry," Sam pointed toward the ER doors, "But surgery's down for your consult in two."

Abby was trying to workout if Sam was still unconformable around them or not as she listened to the message that was going to pull Luka away from her. "I'll have your coffee," Abby held out her hand waiting for Luka to reluctantly hand over the steaming cup.

Squeezing Abby's leg he glanced up at Sam. "Thanks, I'm coming." He stood to follow Sam back into the ER. "If you think that you'll get stuck here, go home to Joe. We'll cover you."

"I'll see  " Abby fell back against the wall as Luka disappeared from her sight. She stared at the ground watching it rapidly turn white and thought about Joe being at home with only the sitter. The ER was quiet enough for now. If she left, no one would really notice. The one thing that heavy snow did was slow the walk-ins.

Abby jumped when the police car pulled into the ambulance bay; "Hey we got something for you." The police sergeant said as he pulled someone from the back of the car.

"_Quiet"_ She thought, she should have known better than to even say it to herself. "What've we got?"

"Some guy how thinks he works here." The officer pulled out a hospital prescription pad, "I'm guessing the closest he got was when he stole these."

"Abby," Came the mumbled voice from the open back door of the police car.

"Ray." Abby pushed the cop aside as she rushed the car to confirm who the voice belonged to. "What happened?" Abby quickly looked over him. His left eye was swollen shut with a large open gash just above it. The blood was still making a slow trail down the side of his face.

"I was stabbed,"

"Where?" Abby didn't wait for his answer as she grabbed the bottom of his shirt and started to lift it. His abdomen was covered in blood, she realized that his shirt wasn't wet from the snow as she first thought; it was soaked in his blood. But Abby couldn't feel or see and stab wound. Pushing his shirt higher she found a 4-inch laceration, "More like slashed," Abby fell silent for a moment, "Are you having trouble breathing?"

"No … Just hurts like hell." The strain was evident in his voice.

"Are you hurt anywhere else?"

"I don't think so."

"Can you walk?" Abby leaned in to help him out when she realized that Ray was handcuffed. "Hey you," Abby called to get the attention of one of the officers, "Get him out of these things?" Abby stepped back to allow the officer access to Ray. "And you," She pointed to the other officer, "go inside and get someone out here with a gurney." Abby almost bounced on the spot as she waited for cuffs to be removed. "His injured; how could you guys cuff him?"

"We thought he was a junkie." The officers said as he reached in and pulled Ray to his feet.

"Well he _is_ a doctor, not a junkie and even if he was he still should have been brought here in a bus." Abby turned on the spot as she heard the gurney's wheels rattle over the hard concrete.

"Abby?" Chuny questioned as she stopped and waited for the officer to move, "Oh … hey Ray. Rough night?" Chuny could only see Ray's face.

"Chuny … What's open?" Abby asked.

"Trauma One." Chuny rushed to the other side of the gurney to help Abby lift Ray.

As they settled Ray onto the gurney Abby noticed Ray's right arm for the first time. "Hey Chuny can you get Luka to meet us in trauma 1," Abby continued to push the gurney on her own; all of her attention was focused Ray right arm. It was definitely broken; badly broken. The lower half of his arm was severely deformed. He was going to need surgery. "I'll get you some morphine for the pain." Abby said as locked the wheels of the gurney

"No." Ray sharply turned his head toward Abby. "I don't want that."

Abby shook her head at Ray, "You've got to be in pain and it's only going to get worse once we start to exam you." Abby voice was low hoping that Ray would listen to her.

"Please Abby … now that I'm laying down my chest …" Ray's voice was hushed and broke up as he spoke. "It's not that bad." Ray finished by drawing in a few deep breaths.

Abby listen to his voice, his breathing as she pushed IV bags aside trying to locate the one she wanted. She could tell that he was trying to control the pain and he wasn't winning the fight. As she turned back to him his eyes were fixed on the IV bag in her hand.

"Abby please!"

"It's just D5W … I want to replace some of the fluid you've lost." Abby quickly tapped down the catheter. "Where else were you hit?"

"I don't know." Ray's eyes followed Abby around the room, "And I don't know how long I was out for."

Abby was reassured that he could think clearly enough to predict her next question. "Okay what time did you leave home?" Abby opened a draw pulled out a pair of scissors.

"I don't know. Eight or nine maybe." Ray drew in another breath, "I was walking for a while."

Abby watched the pain that Ray couldn't control flashed across his face as he tried to relax against the bed. "Okay, I'm going to cut your shirt off." Abby liked the never ending parade of t-shirts Ray wore, they were a nice break from the suit and ties she thought as she started to cut along the sleeve of his right arm. Finally pulling the front of his shirt off so she could better access both his arm and chest wound.

Luka all but ran into the trauma room. "Abby what've we got?"

"Ahh … Numerous lacerations and contusions to his face, chest, abdomen and a deformed right arm. He was also unconscious for an unknown period of time." Abby finished with the information she had.

"Do you need some help?" Sam asked as she entered the room. "Ray." Sam stopped short when she saw how the patient was.

"Yeah, we need portable x-ray and ultrasound." Luka didn't wait to see if Sam left. "Ray any rebound tenderness?" Luka asked as he tapped Ray's abdomen. "Ray?" Luka's eyes glanced up to see that Ray's were fixed on his arm. "Ray?"

"My arm …" The shock of realizing that there was something wrong with his arm was evident in his voice, "I can't feel my arm."

Luka's attention turned to Abby. "What pain med has he been given?" Luka stared up at Abby when she didn't response, "Abby?"

"He doesn't want any." Abby pulled out a suture kit and started to clean the chest lac while she waited for Sam to return with the ultrasound.

"Ray I'm going to give you some morphine so I can check your arm."

"No." Ray voice didn't even make it past a whisper.

"Are you allergic? Because you know---"

"No. I just want to know what's going on … I don't want to out of it." Ray tried to speak louder but Luka still had to lean in to hear him.

"Abby start with five of morphine."

The combination of the worry etched on Luka's face and the realization that Ray didn't know how bad the damage to his arm was only added to Abby's concerns. The head wound, his chest lac, and how much harm had been done by those handcuffs. Was blood even flowing to his fingers? Out of the corner of one eye she could see the two officers standing on the other side of the trauma doors. She guessed they were now very worried about Ray too; only their concern came from fear that they going to be reported for their actions. "Ray I'll make sure you know what's going on," Abby pushed the morphine into his IV line. "Okay."

"Ray I'm going to have to straighten your arm." Luka said.

The trauma doors opened as Sam pushed the portable x-ray into the room, "Where do you want this?" Sam asked as she held up the ultrasound.

"Here." Abby reached out and took it as she moved to the opposite side so that Luka could x-ray Ray's arm and she could continue to check his chest and belly for internal injuries. "Ray, how you doing?"

"Better." His voice had relaxed as the morphine started to take effect.

"I'm going to check for internal bleeding but your stats are stable … it's just a precaution." Abby explained as she rubbed the gel over his chest and pressed the sensor wand down. "Okay the chest lac is just superficial" Abby moved the wand to each side of his abdomen, "Okay belly's clear, as soon as we're done with the x-ray I'll suture it."

"Ahh," Ray cried out in response to Luka adjusting his arm for the x-ray.

Abby stepped aside so Sam could lay the protective lead pad over Ray's chest. This allowed Abby to pull on her vest. "Ray can I call anyone for you?" She asked as she returned to Ray's side, Abby then slipped her hand inside his and bent down next to his ear and whispered, "Would you like me to get Neela?"

"No," Ray returned firmly.

"She's covering the ER … I can page her for you." Abby tried again.

"NO!" Ray raised the level of his voice as he winced. "Please." His tone turned quickly to one that was almost begging Abby to leave it.

"Sam, can you page Dubenko. I want him down here," Luka said as he pushed the x-ray over his head. "Ray,I need to check and see if you have any skull fractures," He pulled his pen light out of his pocket and lifted Ray's eyelids; first the right and then the left. "Both eyes were equal and reactive,"

"You don't want to wait for the films?" Sam questioned. "Dubenko will want---"

"No," Luka cut her off, "by the time he gets down here we'll have them." Luka rushed Sam. "How are you going, Ray?"

"Great." Ray replied his eyes following Luka who was now holding the scissors, "Let me cut your jeans off sometime."

"Let me know if anything hurts." Luka began to press down on each of Ray's legs.

"Ray." Abby waited for him to turn and face her. "I'm going to give you a local and suture you chest. Are you ready?"

"I don't want to see the needle."

"What?" Luka seemed surprised by Ray's comment.

"I don't like needles."

"You're a doctor." Luka replied. "Legs are clear."

"I give them not get them,"

All the conversation had meant that Ray was distracted enough that Abby was able to give him the local with no response from Ray.

"Here." Chuny returned to the room and held out Ray's films to Luka.

Luka pushed the films on to the board hitting the light as he did. "Where's Dubenko?"

"He said he was on his way down," Sam said as she started to remove what was left of Ray's personal belongings. She finished cutting off his jeans and pulled them out from under him, "I'll get you a blanket."

He was laying on the gurney in nothing more than his boxers. "Thanks," Ray responded but his attention was on Luka and the x-ray board. He was trying to focus his right eye enough to see the x-rays for himself. "Luka what is it?" Ray waited but Luka didn't answer him. "Abby?"

"Ray, I need you to keep still." Abby placed her hand on his shoulder.

"Luka, can you tell me what it is?" Ray asked again impatiently.

"You have a displaced fracture to both the ulna and radius of the right arm as well as small fracture to the left eye socket." Luka pulled the x-ray of Ray's arm from the board and held it in front of the overhead light for Ray to see. "You have a weak radial pulse … I'm concerned that the artery is being compressed." Pausing for a moment to check on Abby's progress with the chest lac. "You'll also need a head CT to rule out any swelling or bleeding."

"Dr. Kovac, I understand that your requested me personally?" Dubenko said as the doors crushed closed behind him. "Dr. Barnett?" His voice was sharp as his eyes came to rest on him. "What've ya got?" Dubenko moved to check the laceration Abby had all but finishing suturing.

"He has a four inch chest lac, a displaced break to both the ulna and radius of the right arm, and a small fracture to the left eye socket." Luka handed him the x-ray he had just shown Ray. "His radial pulse was weak on arrival; now there's no ulnar pulse."

Abby flicked her head toward Luka at the additional information, so much for talking Ray through it. With her eyes she followed Luka as he pulled Dubenko into one corner.

"Abby how bad is it?" The begging tone had returned to Ray's voice.

"I don't know," Abby watched as Dubenko returned to the gurney.

"Okay." Dubenko diverted his attention to the head wound. "No skull fractures or depressions?"

"Nothing showed on the x-rays," Luka answered.

"Okay, let's get him upstairs for a head CT and we'll have Ortho assess him up there." Dubenko kicked off one of the wheel locks while Luka did the same on the other side of the gurney.

"You paged me?"

Everyone in the room froze for a moment, Abby looked to Luka first and then back to Dubenko, "Who paged her?"

"I did," Dubenko said as he started to push the stretcher again. "Dr Rasgotra was meant to be covering the ER. I just guessed that she didn't answer your page."

"Well that's not what happened," Abby said, her tone was short and sharp. She knew that Ray hadn't wanted Neela to see him like this.

"Stop talking like I'm not here" Neela's eyes scanned the room again. "What's going on?" Neela asked as she finally looked down. "Ray." Her face dropped, "What happened?"

Abby watched as Ray's eyes searched her out, "Neela," Abby placed a hand on each of her shoulders and moved her out of the way.

"We need to move." Luka dismissed Neela's concern and continued to help Dubenko push him toward the elevators.

"Ray." Neela reached out to touch him, as the gurney pushed past her but she couldn't get close enough to make contact. They had all followed the gurney out of the trauma room into the corridor. "What's happened?" Neela's tone was no longer flat and normal; it was now demanding. "Someone tell me what is going on?" Neela asked. Her eyes were desperately searching for answers on the faces of her colleagues.

"We don't know." Abby had changed her tone from the short, sharp one she had used with Dubenko to a soft, gentle one. "He was brought in with a four inch chest lac and broken arm. His also got a fracture to his left eye socket."

"Excuse me," One of the officers interrupted. "Is he going to okay?"

"Well he has a displaced fracture of his right arm that's stopped the blood flowing to his hand something I'm sure wasn't helped greatly by a handcuffed ride in the back of a squad car." Abby unleashed on the two officers. At this point, she guessed he was only interested in saving himself rather than how Ray really was. "You two might have cost him his career."

"We thought that he was trying to score." The other officers jumped in trying to defend their actions.

"Barnett?" Tony asked as he approached.

"Stay out of this, Tony," Neela said very quickly.

"He was in West Garfield. He had prescription pad in his pocket; what were we meant to think?"

"That he was injured and needed help." Abby wanted to make sure that she got her point across.

"Hey, in that neighborhood, he was most likely out trying to score." Tony added.

"Ray doesn't do drugs," Neela stated firmly. "I don't know how you could even say such a thing?"

Abby had expected as much from Gates. At first she thought that Neela seeing someone after everything that had happened would be a good for her. But Abby was thinking of something that lasted a few weeks and than Neela could move on with her life.

The problem was she'd picked Gates. And he turned out to have more baggage that even she could comprehend and true to form he used every opportunity including this one to have a dig at Ray. That's exactly what she'd expected from him. In fact, she had expected him to jump in sooner and say something about his band or that Ray was unreliable.

'_How could she like this guy?' _He lived with another woman and every time he promised there wasn't anything going on, he proved just the opposite.

"Neela, its Ray you don't really know." Tony said as he reached out in an attempt to pull her away from the group.

"Tony, don't, just leave me alone." Neela shook him off as she started to jog toward the stairs.

"Neela!" He called after her but she didn't even turn in response.

XXXXXXXXXXXXX


	3. How could I act such a part?

XXXXXXXXXXXXX

_**5:20am – OR Country General**_

Neela had been sitting in the observation room for the last three hours. She'd watched Dubenko prep Ray and suture his facial lac. Now Ortho had nearly finished pinning his arm back together. She had listened to every order, every piece of information, and judged for herself how everything was really going.

Neela jumped suddenly when the door to the observation room opened. "Katey, I ..." The shock of not remembering about Katey was almost as big as seeing her enter the room now. "I ... sorry someone should have called you and told you about Ray ... I should have called."

"He didn't tell you." Katey said as she lowered herself into the chair next to Neela.

"Didn't tell me what?" Neela was now more confused than shocked.

"We we're not together any more ... and ..." Katey stumbled over the words, as if she was planning on saying more but decided against it. "I knew when it started that he wasn't in it …" Katey said as way of explanation. "I just came in to check on him." Katey fell silent for a moment before changing the conversation. "Dr. Crenshaw said that it's going well."

"Yeah … no problems so far." Neela had gripped the edge of the hard plastic chair so tightly that her fingers hurt to move. It was a straight forward operation and she was waiting for something to go wrong.

"Is that Dr Weber?" Katey asked.

"Yeah, from ortho. He has a fractured lower right arm," Neela turned away from the operating room for a moment to look at Katey, "I guess he was trying to protect himself in some way and they broke his arm."

"His head I'd guess," The voice came from behind both Katey and Neela, "Dr. Alvaro, could you excuse us for a moment?"

"Sure, I'm due for rounds," Katey smiled as she left them alone in the room.

"When was your shift over?" Dubenko asked as he took the seat that Katey just vacated.

"Midnight." Neela turned her wrist to check the time. "I'm not back on till eight tonight." It was one of the longest breaks she had between shifts this week and she had spent most of it sitting in the observation room.

"You and Dr Barnett know each other well?" Dubenko was flicking the corner of the file he held in one hand.

"We're … we used to be best friends." Neela wasn't sure why she told him that last part. She wasn't sure why she just didn't say that they were still friends. Neela was despite everything that she still knew him better than anyone.

"Here," Dubenko passed the file to Neela. "He must trust you a great deal."

"What's this?" Neela asked as she opened the file. At first glance it looked like a patients chart; only it was in a soft folder instead of the usual rigid plastic board. Her eyes scanned each line and she quickly realized what it was. "Yeah," Neela agreed as she read the emergency directions and next of kin details section of his personal file. Ray had ticked other and printed no living relatives on the dotted line next to the box. He had listed her as his contact and person of authority in the absence of any family members.

"He doesn't have any family?" Dubenko asked as he pointed to the lower half of the declaration, "There's no one to call?"

"Ahh no, his an only child … and his … his mother and …he doesn't …" Neela trailed off not sure what to say. She knew that his father had passed away but despite what he had written his mother was in-fact alive. Neela didn't who to call or where to look for her but she was alive.

"Well than, Dr Rasgotra ... Neela." This time Dubenko waited until she turned to face him. "He'll be in surgery for another hour at least and in recovery for two after that before they move him to the ICU for observation maybe you could go home and get a few things for him."

Neela still felt like she was somehow being sent away. As if Ray knew she was up here and wanted her gone. "Yeah … okay."

XXXXXXXXXXXXX

"Hey, Abby."

The night may have been slow but the morning was more than making up for it. As soon as the snow eased, they got swamped so much so that Abby couldn't even get out on time. She had been trying to get up to the OR to see Neela, but every time she tried to leave, she was called back. "How is he? I was going to come up."

"He's still in surgery." Neela impatiently pushed her hair away from her face, "Have you got Ray's personal belongings?"

"His belongings?" Abby was unsure what she would want with clothes that had mostly been cut from his body.

"I need his keys. Do you know who's got his things?"

"I'll check admin; they mightn't have logged them yet." Abby kept looking over her shoulder as she walked toward the admin desk. "Frank do you know where the …" Abby didn't finish her question as she found the box of patients belonging that hadn't been logged yet. Pulling out the envelope out that she wanted, "Never mind."

It only took Abby a few minutes to return with a yellow bag containing what was left of Ray's clothing and a key chain with a single key. "Here," Abby said as she offered Neela the key; she guessed that everything else had been stolen. The key chain had a small globe on the end with a large red arrow pointing to the words, "London, England. Always home." Abby read it out as she handed over the key.

"My sister gave me this when I left … I must have given it to him with the key." Neela closed her hand around the key and small chain that was attached to it.

"Let me drive you." Abby said as she watched Neela slowly becoming more nervous and unsettled.

"No, I will be fine, I'll just take the El."

Abby didn't want Neela going into Ray's apartment alone. They didn't know for sure what had happened to Ray. Anyone could be there. However, the choice was quickly taken away from Abby as the victims of a car accident were wheeled through the ER doors. "Just wait and I'll drive you."

"I'll be fine, thanks,"

Abby could only watch as Neela walked out the doors with her hand still clutching the key chain tightly in one hand.

XXXXXXXXXXXXX

_**7:35am – Ray Barnett's Apartment**_

Turning the key in the lock, Neela pushed her way into the apartment. She stood frozen to the spot in the doorway. Everything was in boxes; moving boxes. A few CD's remained on the floor in front of the stereo but apart from that everything had been packed up. Each box had a rushed inscription noting it origin like kitchen or bedroom.

She made her way into the small alcove that held the doorways to his room, her old room and the bathroom. Here she found more boxes piled either side of the doorway leaning to Ray's room. Stopping outside his doorway, she gently placed her hand on the door knob. Neela felt like she shouldn't go in; she felt like she was here uninvited. Suddenly, Neela jumped back at a piercing sound that started to fill the apartment. "God, Ray," Neela said as she finally caught her breath after she realized the noise was coming from his alarm.

The insistence buzzing forced her to take that first step into his room. Looking around, Neela saw yet more packed boxes. They only items not already packed were more CD's in front of a smaller stereo and his favorite guitar.

Quickly hitting the off button on Ray's alarm, it made her realize that Ray should have been getting up now. He should have been at home so he could wake up now and go to the hospital. He shouldn't be there already.

The apartment was quiet. Too quiet. The thing about living with Ray was that there was always noise. Even when she wanted it to be quiet it wasn't. Ray was always play some CD or his guitar. Neela would lay quietly in her room wrapped up in her quilt and listening to the mixture of his soft voice and the gentle strumming of his guitar drifting through the apartment and into to her room. When it got to quite at Abby's she would close her eyes and wish she was back here listening to Ray.

Neela picked up the remote to the stereo, hit play and threw the remote onto the bed. She then used her foot to push a full box of CD's out of the way before she opened the cupboard with the hope of finding an overnight bag of some kind.

As the music started to fill the air Neela realized that it was probably packed along with everything else. All she found was a few jackets and enough clothes for the couple of days. It was as she picked up the case to one of the CD's that she started to listen to the words as the music played.

_Do you ever feel like breaking down?  
Do you ever feel out of place?  
Like somehow you just don't belong  
And no one understands you  
Do you ever wanna runaway?  
Do you lock yourself in your room?  
With the radio on turned up so loud  
That no one hears you screaming  
_

'_Had Ray called out for help?'_ The thought popped into Neela's head without warning. She knew that Ray had a strength that she would never have; he had the strength to tell her how he felt, to be honest when she couldn't even be honest with herself.

_No you don't know what it's like  
When nothing feels all right  
You don't know what it's like  
To be like me  
_

All the men in her life had lied to her. Tony certainly wasn't honest with her about Meg, Sarah, or anything else for that matter. Even Michael had broken his promise to her; he married her and then left, left her all alone. Ray was the one person in her life that had stayed by her and she walked out on him.

_To be hurt  
To feel lost  
To be left out in the dark  
To be kicked when you're down  
To feel like you've been pushed around  
To be on the edge of breaking down  
And no one's there to save you  
No you don't know what it's like  
Welcome to my life_

_Do you wanna be somebody else?  
Are you sick of feeling so left out?  
Are you desperate to find something more?  
Before your life is over  
Are you stuck inside a world you hate?  
Are you sick of everyone around?  
With their big fake smiles and stupid lies  
While deep inside you're bleeding  
_

Neela settled down onto his bed as her body began to softly shake. She was always running; she ran from her family to America, at one point she had even tried to run from being a doctor. Only now did she realize what a mistake that had been. How far had she pushed everyone from her? She never really wanted to married Michael. Despite all her doubts she did marry himand she had managed to push him all the way back to Iraq. And she never wanted to leave this place, leave Ray. But she did. Right now Neela wondered how different her life might be if she went with her feelings instead of doing what she thought was right.

_No you don't know what it's like  
When nothing feels all right  
You don't know what it's like  
To be like me_

Neela listened to the chorus play over again and thought about how she left him that night, on a dark street. How the words fitted with what she did to him that night. _To be hurt, to feel lost._ Neela was sure that was how he felt because that was how she felt. How she was still feeling since she left Ray.

_No one ever lied straight to your face  
No one ever stabbed you in the back  
You might think I'm happy but I'm not gonna be okay  
Everybody always gave you what you wanted  
Never had to work it was always there  
You don't know what it's like, what it's like  
_

Neela couldn't listen to this song any longer. Grabbing the remote she hit next, only the same track started to play again, Neela looked at the small panel on the stereo and saw that the song was on repeat. _'Maybe the silence was better'_ she thought.

Neela pulled herself up from his bed and as she went to close the door to the closet, something in the corner caught her eye. Pulling the door open again, she pushed a jacket out of the way and found a small, child's sized guitar leaning up against the back wall. Reaching in, she dragged it out and noticed a folded piece of paper tucked into the strings. Carefully Neela opened what she now recognized to be a napkin.

_Ray,_

_Remember with music you're never alone,_

_I'll be back for you._

_Dad_

Only Neela knew that this was probably the only thing that Ray's father had ever given him. That he never came back for him. Ray's own father had just left him with strangers as if he was nothing more than an unwanted puppy. It hit her all at once how alone Ray had been. All the nights they had spent talking, all the times she told him how lonely she felt so far away from her family; it was Ray who held her when she cried after Michael left her to return to Iraq. All this time it had been Ray who was really alone.

Neela returned both the note and the guitar back to where she had found them then she turned and walked around the corner and stopped at the entrance to her old room.She tried to process the scene in front of her. The room was tidy, the bed was made, with the shirt that he tried to give her on the bed. _'His shirt'_ folded neatly, it was now resting, waiting in the middle of the bed. It was as if Ray had placed it there, just waiting for her return. Next to it was Ray's black hard covered notepad.

The room hadn't been touched. Nothing was packed. Neela questioned why; was he waiting or was he just not taking any of this where he was going? It hit her for the first time. Ray had packed up his life and was going somewhere and she didn't know where. He was planning to leave and he hadn't told her; hadn't even mentioned it.

But the note pad was in here. Neela knew that pad well; as always an old silver chain was hanging from the ratty pages. It looked as if it had followed him everywhere for most of his life. It was always open next to him whenever he was playing his guitar. She was sure that it held all the memories of his life. She was also sure that he wouldn't leave it behind. Lifting the chain in her hand, she let it run over her fingers.

As if it were some unspoken rule she'd never asked about it and it always stayed in his room. She now stood right in front of it and she was overcome with the urge to open it. Looking over each shoulder like child checking for the location of a parent, Neela turned back to the notepad and slowly started to lift the hard cover.

The chain she guessed was used to mark the current page._ **'****These are the words I've never said.'**_ Ray had traced over this sentence several times to make it bold. She imagined him tracing the letters over and over again as she was doing now with her fingers.

It was then that she started to scan the words under the bold title, taking in as much as she could.

_Here I am, I'm right here_

_I wish you could feel me_

_Standing so close_

_I'm right beside you dear_

_I fly around this old house_

_I scream and I call_

_While I watch you without me_

Neela smiled as she saw that dear had been crossed out and added back in several times. He wanted to use the word but it just wasn't him. But this didn't sound like anything that she had ever heard him sing.

_All I feel, all I am now_

_Is this love I have for you_

_Each night it's you,_

_It's you I want to lay beside_

_I close my eyes but never to sleep_

_I tell you all the things I should've said_

_That you'll never know_

_How could I act such a part_

_To love the one who breaks my heart_

_You're always running_

_You have to come to me_

_I can't fix this without you_

The words. _'How cold I act such a part, to love the one who breaks my heart.'_ She read them over and over again to herself._ 'You're always running,'_ He knew her even better than she had ever given him credit for. At that moment she would have guessed better than she knew herself.

_So put your hands here 'round my waist_

_So I can feel your touch_

_And dance with me as you did before_

_I'm bound forever to this house_

_I can never go beyond that door_

_I dance alone_

_So when you think of me, smile_

_It's the only way that I can see_

_That you still care for me_

It never seemed strange that no matter how bad her day was, no matter what had happened Ray could always make her smile. He always knew just what to do. She struggled to remember the last time she was really happy. She had been depressed for months and everyone felt sorry for her because of Michael but it started before that. It started because of Michael but it wasn't from his death. It started before that.

Picking up the carefully folded shirt, she breathed in Ray's scent.

_I close my eyes but never to sleep_

_I tell you all the things I should've said_

_That you'll never know_

But Neela knew she was lying to herself. She knew that the last time she was happy, really happy, the last time she felt safe was the day before she came home and told Ray that she was moving out. Since that day everything seems to have gone wrong and now her life was a mess.

She knew better but she always thought, hoped that she would one day come back to this place. Neela always thought of this as her home. Only now Ray was moving and she'd never be able to return.

_How could I act such a part_

_To love the one who breaks my heart_

_You're always running_

_You have to come to me_

_I can't fix this without you_

_Here I am I'm right here_

_How I wish you could hear me_

_These are the words I've never said._

_Ray_

It that moment Neela realized just how much she had hurt him; it felt like she betrayed his trust. She'd always passed him off as someone who couldn't handle anything more than a one-night-stand. Something that she still wasn't entirely convinced of but she also couldn't believe what she had just read. Closing the book she finally lost control of the tears she had been fighting since she had seen Ray in the ER.

_XXXXXXXXXXXXX_

_Welcome to my Life by Simple Plan is the music playing on Ray's stereo_

_"These are the words I've never said" The words written in Ray's note book are from a song called 'Beloved' by Wendy Matthews (an Australian artist). If you can find it it is a beautiful song and I would recommend it._


	4. Every room except hers

**Title:** Welcome to my Life

**Rating:** FRM

**Disclaimer:** Without Prejudice. The names of all characters contained here-in are the property of John Well, WB & NBC. No Infringements of these copyrights are intended, and are used here without permission (But if I did own them I would do something like the following with them).

**Pairing:** Ray/Neela

**Spoilers:** Everything up to City of Mercy

**Medical Information:** I have listed below some terms and treatments used for hypothermia that are used in this fic (I had to look them up). I also don't know if they wire your skull but I needed something and that was it

**Dorsal branch of ulnar nerve – posterior** – This branch of nerves is very small but they control the outside (posterior) side of the wrist, the little finger and the posterior side of the ring finger.

**Back-strap** – A back-strap is a hard split that is used to hold a broken arm or leg flat and in-place when it can not be plastered due to other injuries.

_**Information - All mistakes are mine. This fic has not been BETA'ed. **_

XXXXXXXXXXXXX

**_8:25am Tuesday the 16th January – ICU County General_**

"Dr. Kovač."

Luka turned toward the door at the sound of Dubenko's voice. "Hey I was just …" He looked down at the chart in his hand before closing it and holding it out for Dubenko to take.

"Have you reviewed it?" Dubenko asked before taking it.

"Ahh... Yeah," Luka said as he moved away from the end of the bed allowing Dubenko the access he needed. "He seems to be doing well."

"Nothing unexpected. His head CT was clear." Dubenko dropped the chart back into its holder.

"No signs of any bleeding or fluids in his ears or nasal cavities?" Luka asked, concerned that there maybe bruising or swelling of the brain that hadn't developed yet.

"No. Apart from a few cracked ribs and his arm, every thing's fine." Dubenko looked surprised as he spoke to Luka, "All of that said he was a lucky young man."

"How long will you keep him in the ICU?"

"Not more then a few hours. I just want to make sure that he comes out of the anesthetic okay."

"But you'll still do a follow CT?" Luka was more than a little concerned that there might be more to Ray's head injury than just a fractured eye socket. Only he didn't have anything more to go on than a feeling that something else was wrong.

"We'll see how he is when he wakes up. At the moment I'm more concerned about his hand." Dubenko hesitantly patted Luka on the shoulder. "We're keeping an eye on him. I'll make sure we don't miss anything."

"Thanks," Luka said as he was left alone once again staring at the young resident in front of him. He'd seen Ray go from a med student who's only cared about his next gig and if Kerry was going to catch him wearing black nail polish and eyeliner to one that worked hard and cared. He really did care what was going to happen to the patient. Unfortunately this place often took everything you have to offer and than some. Luka was worried that somehow this place had pushed Ray to whatever he'd walked into last night.

XXXXXXXXXXXXX

_**10:40am **_

It had taken Neela more then ten minutes to summon the courage the walk from the elevators to the surgical ICU ward. And here she was; her feet stuck to the floor just a few feet away from Ray's room. Before she left to get his things going in to see him didn't seem like it would be such a big deal. But now she was nervous. She wanted to ask him about the packed boxes in the apartment. About the where he was going and why didn't he tell her. Mostly she wanted to ask about the song in the note book.

'_This is ridiculous.'_ She told herself. She had to make a choice. Walk into his room or go; but since she was holding a bag for him she guessed that she made the choice hours ago. She was going in.

Neela's indecision was coming from the fact that she didn't know what to expect. She had only briefly seen Ray in the ER and when he was in the OR he was covered with the standard green scrubs. But somehow those two images had been mixed into one that was terrifying her. And it had only managed to build as it repeatedly ran thought her head on the way back from his apartment. Finally taking a deep breath, she pushed open the door to his room and to her surprise Ray was awake and he wasn't on his own.

"Hey Neela." Greg smiled at her as she took a few small steps into the room, "I was just goin' I'll catch you later." Greg squeezed Neela's hand and turned his head toward Ray and raised both eyebrows giving Ray a sly smile.

"Yeah, thanks man."

Neela guessed by the expression that crossed Ray's face that she wasn't meant to see the exchange. "I didn't think you'd be awake yet?" Neela said, as she placed the backpack on the visitors chair next to his bed. The cut above his eye didn't look any near as bad as she'd imagined now that it had been sutured. His right arm however was only wrapped not plastered and hanging from a stabilizer; they couldn't plaster an arm that had just been operated on. She knew that. "How's your arm?"

"It's good … thanks."

Neela didn't know what to say or do next, her eyes were scanning the room only to rest on the backpack she had brought back with her. "I went by the apartment and picked up some things for you." Neela wanted to ask about the boxes. Was he moving? _'Of course he is moving you stupid twit' _But to where? Was he going to go back to Philly? Was he moving in with someone? At least she knew it wouldn't be Katey. Neela really just wanted to know if he was going to be staying in Chicago; if he was staying in Chicago, staying at County, they could work on the rest.

"Ahh … Thanks." Ray cautiously said as he tried to adjust his position on the bed.

He had to know that she had seen the boxes; it's not like you could miss them piled up in each room of the apartment. Every room except hers that is. Neela let the room fall silent; she was waiting for Ray to tell her what was going on. She wanted him to tell her she didn't want to ask; surly he wouldn't make her ask? "I wasn't sure what you'd want so I just packed what I could find." Neela hoped that would prompt him to give her some information. At this point she'd take anything; any bit of hope. "I couldn't find your iPOD. I wasn't sure if it was---"

"I had it with me when I was …" Ray cut her off and waved his left hand over his face and chest. "I guess it's with my cell and wallet."

Neela was sure that he cut her off because he knew that her next word was going to be _packed_ and he than he would have to explain. He would have to tell her where he was going. But she guessed that she wasn't going to get anywhere right now. "Do you want me to cancel anything for you?" Neela hadn't even thought about Ray's wallet when she was handed his personal items bag and it contained nothing more than a key.

"Pratt's doing it for me. Easier for him to pretend to be me," Ray said as an explanation

The click of the door opening startled them both. "Dr Barnett, we haven't formally met, I'm Dr Jack Weber from Ortho." Jack walked into the room with his head berried in the notes taken from all the scans and x-rays of Ray's arm. Finally looking up when he reached the edge of Ray's bed. "Neela," Jack's voice hitched in surprise at seeing her in the room. "Are you a friend of Dr. Barnett's?"

"Yes." Neela stated quite firmly. Her intension was to remind Ray that she still considered him a friend. She was more interested in getting her point across to Ray than answering Jack's question. Jack was the new orthopedic attending and he was one of the only ones who called everyone by their first name and expected the same in return. "I'll go and leave you to it."

"Stay, I'm only here to introduce myself and take Dr. Barnett's arm out of the stabilizer." He turned his attention away from Neela and started to press the top of each of Ray's fingers. "Can you look over at Neela and let me know if I miss one, Dr. Barnett."

"It's Ray."

"Okay Ray."

Neela flicked her eyes from Ray's face to his hand each time Jack pinched the top of each finger. She could see the concern grow on his face as Jack dropped his hand and Ray immediately turned his attention from Neela face back to Jack.

"You missed my little finger." The desperation in Ray's voice was matched only the expression on his face.

"Okay," Jack pulled a needle from his pocket and popped it out of its protective packaging, "what about this?" Jack started to prick from the top of Ray's little finger.

The panic was clearly building on Ray's face, Neela didn't even think that he was trying to hide it anymore. As he watched Jack continued down his finger. She prayed that with each prick he could feel something. If it was isolated to his little finger; he could live without the feeling in his little finger. Right now she couldn't think of anything it would stop him from doing. A few things would be harder but really no big problem.

"Now," Ray yelled out with a sigh of relief.

Neela had watched the needle all the way down his finger; she watched as Jack had lifted up some of the strapping on his hand. Ray hadn't been able to feel anything until the needle was almost to his wrist. That meant that Ray had no feeling at all in his little finger or part of his posterior palm.

"What does that mean," The relief had quickly disappeared from Ray's voice.

"The numbness might could be temporary?" Neela asked hoping that her voice didn't sound as anxious to Ray and Jack as it did to her.

"It might be. It could be caused by swelling to the dorsal branch and hopefully when the swelling going down the feeling will come back."

"And if it doesn't?" Ray's question was eerily calm.

"Well the numbness extents to the base of the dorsal branch of ulnar nerve. This controls the use of your little finger and partial use of your ring finger." Jack paused for a moment and looked over at Neela.

"We know all this," Neela accidentally let what she was thinking slip out. But she didn't understand why was he telling them this, she and Ray had gone to medical school. They knew about the nerve system. What she wanted to know if he was going to get better not a first year recap on the nerve system.

Jack turned his attention back to Ray, "This branch of nerves also controls the posterior section of your wrist. So if this isn't temporary it means that you will have decreased control over wrist movement and little to no control over you little finger and ring finger."

"So what now?" Ray asked his voice still calm and controlled.

"I'm going to fit you with the back-strap and hand splint … I'm also going to have Dr. Miller come and take a look at your hand."

Both Ray and Neela looked up at the mention of the Neurologists. "You said it was probably just swelling of the nerve tunnel … you said---" Neela was cut off just as she was about to loose control.

"I said, it might be swelling pressing on the nerve tunnels." Jack had managed to unhook Ray's hand from the stabilizer as he spoke. "I just want to be on the safe side. If it is something more serious than compression on the nerve ending, I would rather we know about it as soon as possible."

Ray's head fell back on the pillow and his eyes focused the ceiling. "You can strip out nerve tunnels?" He waited a moment but didn't give anyone enough time to answer, "No. That's carpal tunnel right … You can't do anything if it is more serious … If I've damaged the nerves you can't do anything."

"No. … Probably not." Jack answered as he positioned Ray's arm on the back-strap, ensure that each of his fingers fitted into the open glove at the end. When he was done each finger had an individual metal splint held in-place by a small Velcro strap. "How does that feel?" Jack asked as he raised Ray's arm with two foam support blocks before he stepped away from the bed.

"Great." Ray wasn't even looking at it anymore; he'd returned his attention back to the ceiling.

"Just make sure that when ever you're standing that your hand is across your heart with your fingers resting on your shoulder and the straps around you neck and back are secure. When you're in bed make sure that it's raised above chest height." Jack looked from Ray and than to Neela. "Any questions?"

"No." Ray eventually turned back Jack. "Thanks."

"Thank you," Neela said as Jack left them alone in the room. "Ray, it's just a precaution."

"Neela," Ray voice was cracking and barely above a whisper as he spoke. "If I can't control my hand. If it's … if the feeling doesn't come back."

Neela could only watch as he covered his eye with his one good hand, "Ray you've been out of surgery for 4-hours. He just wants to have it checked and Miller's one of the best." Neela had pulled herself together trying to reassure him just as her pager started to vibrate on the belt of her scrubs. Quickly reading the short message, she clipped it back on her belt.

"You should get that," Ray said, wondering if she would stay with him or go.

"It's just Abby. I'll call her later."

"You don't have to stay; you can go … I wouldn't blame you."

Neela reached out and covered his hand with hers. "Here," she said as she pulled his hand away from his eyes. "I got you this." Neela reached into the backpack and dragged out a faded grey shirt with the word lucky printed across the front of it. When she found it in the top draw of Ray's dresser this morning she thought it was appropriate, she wasn't as sure now. She knew that he didn't sleep in a shirt; not even when it was to cold to snow. But she'd guessed that he would while he was in the hospital.

"I love that shirt," Ray said, as Neela released his hand so he could take the shirt from her.

"You love all your shirts." Neela turned back to the bag. "If you don't want a t-shirt I also brought a few singles and …" Neela's eyes were focused on the contents of the bag. She had half lifted another t-shirt out of the bag. It was her shirt; she didn't know why she didn't take when he offered it to her. She'd wanted to; she'd wanted to stay that night but she couldn't take the shirt and she couldn't stay.

"No, this one's fine." Ray tried to sit himself up a little but couldn't adjust enough to work out how he was going to be able to manage this.

"Do you want some help?" Neela asked as she glanced over her shoulder as she pushed the black shirt back into his bag.

"Yeah … I guess."

A tingle went down her spine as she place one hand on Ray's chest and the other in the center of his back so she could push him forward. Neela pulled on each of the ties holding the hospital gown closed, _'bloody hell'. _Neela couldn't believe what she was seeing. Ray's back was a patch work of bruises, small cuts and scratches. Neela lowered him back onto the bed suddenly afraid that she would hurt him. "What the hell were doing walking in the middle of the night?"

"I needed to get out of the apartment," Ray said as he pulled his left arm out of the gown and started working it over the back-slab and foam padding without much luck.

"It looked to me like you've managed to arrange for that to happen permanently," Neela stated firmly as she managed to remove the gown completely. If it was at all possible his chest looked worse than his back. "God Ray," She said softly as her hand hovered over his chest, her last comment all but forgotten.

Ray continued to juggle the shirt in hand before he started to push his right arm in working it all the way to his shoulder. "Neela I was going to---"

A knock on the door cut Ray off, "Hi"

Neela backed away from the bed as the nurse walked in. "Hey Faith." Neela returned the smile she had received from Faith. "I'd best be going." Neela picked up her coat and scarf from the chair; hanging them both over one arm. "Ray, I'm on tonight. I'll come see you then." Neela paused at the door for a moment.

"We're going to move you to a general surgical room now," Faith said as she started making notes in Ray's chart as she removed each of the monitors. "Would you like a hand with that?" Faith asked as she pointed to the shirt that Ray had only managed to get his right arm into.

"Please," Ray replied with his eyes fixed on Neela's back as she walked away from him.

XXXXXXXXXXXXX

Thank you for reading, the feedback has been great!


	5. Mistake

XXXXXXXXXXXXX

**_11:10pm Tuesday the 16th January – ER Doctors Lounge_**

It was time for coffee; in fact it was time for her third coffee and Abby wasn't even halfway through her overnight. They'd already lost two patients and Abby let her head fall forward onto her locker door wondering if she could just wish the rest of the night away. _'I hate overnights,'_ she said to herself as she yanked open the door to retrieve her purse before closing the door as roughly as she'd opened it. "Jezz, Neela." Abby fell back against the lockers for support, "You scared the hell out of me."

"Sorry,"

"What are you doing in here?" Abby hadn't seen Neela in the ER lounge since she'd packed the contents of her locker into a box and left for surgery.

"I'm visiting Ray before my shift starts."

"You know he's about 4 floors up right?"

"Yeah." Neela's voice was low and flat and her eyes were fixed on the tiled floor.

"I'm going to get a coffee, you wanna come?"

"Sure."

They had managed to walk from the lounge to the coffee stand in complete silence and now they were on their way back to the ER and Neela was focused solely on the coffee cup in her hand. Abby wasn't sure why Neela was avoiding Ray; Abby wasn't sure of a lot of things when it came to Neela and Ray. The first being why she moved out of his apartment and into hers without notice. Or why she was with Gates now. Abby believed if she waited long enough that Neela would tell her what was happening. What had happened? Only she'd waited almost a year now, and the best explanation she gotten was that things with her and Ray were complicated.

No real explanation for anything. Abby also knew that the only way she was going to get what she wanted was to ask. "How is Ray?"

"He still has some numbness in his hand. Weber wants Neuro to do a consult … It's probably nothing." Neela sounded like she needed to convince herself more than Abby that things were going to be fine. "They were moving him out of ICU when I left this morning." Neela suddenly stopped walking. "Do you think I should have stayed with him?"

"And what? Sleep on the plastic chair in the corner?" Abby smiled but it didn't draw any response from Neela. She pushed some loose hair behind her ear. "I don't know … did you want too?"

"No … kind of. I feel like he'd stay with me," Neela said; the confusion mixed in her voice. "I'm … I'd want him to … and that was before I read the stupid book."

"What book?" Abby wasn't sure what a book had to do with Neela staying with Ray.

"He has this notebook and he never … no one ever … I shouldn't have even opened it."

"Neela?" Abby decided to cut off her rambling, "What is it?"

"His apartment is packed up. Everything is in boxes like he's moving … No. Not like he's moving … he is moving."

"And I guess he didn't tell you where."

"Where" Neela hiccupped a small laugh. "No. I think I'd be happy if he just told me he was moving." Neela kick a small rock into the side of the building and half turned away from Abby as she did. "I wouldn't know this much if I hadn't gone to his apartment this morning."

"Neela," Abby waited unsure if she was going to turn back. "Why did you move out of Ray's apartment?"

"You know why."

"No, I don't. I never asked and you never said." Abby pushed her free hand into her coat pocket hoping to warm it up. "You left him, you've hardly spoken to him and now you're with Tony, but you're worried if Ray's leaving or if you should stay with him … I don't understand what's going on?"

"I've always felt like I never had a home, like I've never really belonged anywhere." Neela looked first to the sky before her eyes quickly fell to the ground at her feet. "I loved Michael, I really did and I never … with Ray … we never … I wouldn't do that."

"Neela," Abby's voice was soft and tinged with more than a little guilt. She would've liked to say that she knew Neela wouldn't do that but the truth was that Abby thought the same thing as everyone else. That Neela had moved out because something had happened between Ray and Neela. Only Abby thought something had been going on for some time.

"I sometimes think that Michael thought that Ray and I … and that's why he went back to Iraq."

"Neela what happened to Michael wasn't your fault."

"I know … but … he never really wanted to be here… not with me ... ..." Neela's voice finally started to crack as her head dropped a little more, "When I lived with Ray, I fitted in. I had a home." Neela raised her eyes so she was staring directly into Abby's, "Ray knows me. Ray made a home for me, he made room in his life for me … he was honest with me and I wasn't with him." She swallowed the hard lump in her throat. "And I repaid Ray by walking out on him."

"Neela, you didn't walk out on him." Abby reached out wrapping her arms around Neela as the tears started to trace down her cheeks.

"I did and when he wanted me to come home I told him I didn't have a home and now his moving … and I don't know where."

XXXXXXXXXXXXX

**_7:40am Wednesday the 17th January – General Surgical Ward Room 1616 _**

"Hey Ray my main man."

"Morris," Ray said as he watched Greg roll his eyes as he followed Morris into the room.

"Hey Ray." Greg and Ray clapped hands together. "How is it?" Greg tilted his head toward Ray's right hand.

"No change. I'm booked in for a scan at 11. Miller wants to compare it with yesterdays one." Ray opened his mouth to continue but Morris cut him off.

"Ray you should have seen it. Last night there was this bus crash and it was full of supermodels and one of them a tall blond she had this short skirt and I could have had her I swear she was so hot for me." Morris pulled his chair closer to Ray's bed, "But y'know I've kinda got this thing with Hope so I had to say the 'Mo-man' is spoken for."

"Morris what are you going on about, they weren't even models." Greg snapped with his usual frustrated expression.

"Hey we need to give the guy hope; stuck up here on his own." Morris turned to face Greg. "Ray needs a reason to return."

"If you ask me he's already does." Greg ran one hand over his head and let out a long breath, "We're the only attending's on so one of us should go back down."

"I'll go. Y'know they can't live without me down there."

Ray watched as Greg pushed himself off the door frame he'd been leaning on to let Morris pass. "Yeah, thanks." Greg said as he passed. "So have you seen Neela?" Greg had his usual over confident smirk on his face.

"You know I have."

"I mean since yesterday."

Ray shook his head, "No," and Neela hadn't come in to see him before her shift as she'd said she would. Which meant that he'd spent most of the night waiting for her and the morning thinking about why she didn't come?

"She's on now y'know. I could page her for you?" Greg offered, "Cos I still think you've got stuff to work out."

"Like I said I've had enough of your _help!_"

"So you don't need me to come over this weekend." Greg paused, "Because you've worked everything out and you're staying?"

"I've given notice and the apartment's been rented." Ray almost wished he could turn back time. He knew he had to leave but he was going to miss that place so much. "I have to be out by Sunday."

"You haven't told her have you?" Greg leaned back against the wall as the confident smirk returned to his face.

"She knows … she went to the apartment yesterday and saw that everything was packed."

"What's she say."

"Nothing …" '_because I was too much of a coward to tell her what's happening_.' Ray thought but kept the last part to himself.

"You told her that you're moving … that you matched at a different hospital and Neela didn't say anything." The sarcasm was dripping Greg's voice.

"No. I didn't tell her about any of it and she didn't ask."

"Maybe she was waiting for an explanation from you?"

An explanation, he'd be happy if someone could explain it to him. Two years ago he was ready to walk out of County; drop everything to go with his band. Weaver didn't really want him, none of them did. Only now he'd matched at Mercy, North-Western and County. Ray hadn't told anyone that he matched at County, not even Gregg. "I don't know."

"Yeah right. That's why you're moving closer to Mercy. So don't tell me you don't know."

"Well it might not matter." For the first time in his life Ray had found something that he was really good at. Being a doctor had started out as a back-up plan but now it was his only plan. He still loved his music, playing his guitar and writing songs. But he'd stopped dreaming of playing gigs when his band left. "I might not be able to be a doctor anymore. I might not be able to do anything anymore." Everything that was left in his life might've been taken away from him in one night.

"Hey man you don't' know that." Greg pulled his pager off his belt, "I've got get this. We'll talk about this later, okay."

"Sure," Greg was already halfway out the door when Ray breathed out his response. _'Because talking about it gonna make it all better,"_ His whole world had turned upside down in the last two weeks. First he was ready to tell Neela everything; right in the middle of the ER.

That same day he got the letter that said he'd matched at all three hospitals he'd applied for. He'd only applied to all three hoping that one would take him. That one of them would make the choice for him. Now he was moving and even though he'd told Pratt he was going to take Mercy Ray really didn't know what he was going to do.

Ray didn't know how much more he could take. Seeing her everyday; seeing her with him. He knew he had to get out. He couldn't move on, couldn't think clearly if he stayed in that apartment. He was never going to get over her while he had to work with her everyday.

He was going.

XXXXXXXXXXXXX

**_10:46pm Wednesday the 17th January – General Surgical Ward Room 1616 _**

"I wasn't sure you'd still be awake,"

Ray hadn't heard her foot steps as she approach nor did he need to look up when he heard her voice. He knew instantly who it was. "Trying to avoid me?" A note of surprise was evident as he spoke; he'd almost given up on her returning to his room.

"No. It's just late."

"I'm not really tired." For some reason Ray thought her accent was thicker tonight. And he just loved that accent. "All this laying around doing nothing for days. It's not all it's cracked up to be."

"How's your hand?"

"No real change but Miller said if I start to get some feeling back in the next 4 to 6 days as the swelling goes down than there shouldn't be any permanent damage."

"That's really great news**." **

Ray watched the wave of relief wash over Neela's face much like it must have when Miller delivered the same news to him."Yeah Miller wasn't concerned."

"That's great."

Ray wasn't so sure yet, he'd wanted his hand to improve. He wanted it to happen before he got his hopes up. "Yeah it is." Ray's eyes followed Neela as she moved along the far wall stopping next to the only chair in the room.

"So I guess you'll be going home soon?"

"Tomorrow." Ray let the magazine he'd been reading fall closed; "Here." Ray pulled his legs to the right side of the bed; giving her enough room to sit. The chair currently held his backpack, a few shirts and the magazines he'd already read. Nothing much had changed; despite the fact that there was a cupboard in the room he still used the furniture.

"Thanks."

With that the room fell into silence. Ray knew that he would have to tell her what was happening the next time her saw her and here she was. Sitting on the end of his hospital bed. He didn't know why this was so hard, he was convinced that he was doing the right thing. "You on overnights?"

"Yeah. Tomorrows my last one than I'm back to days for two weeks." Neela reached out and took the magazine from his lap. He watched as she flipped through the first few pages, "So do you need a lift back to the apartment?"

"Ahh sure." This was it. "I guess you saw the … boxes?"

Neela paused for only a few moments before she turned to the next page, "Yeah."

"I'm moving to a new place on the weekend so if there was anything left at the apartment that you wanted … I didn't pack-up your room." _'I kept it incase you came home.' _He thought. Even when he knew she never would he still left it for her. "I'm not sure if you left anything behind."

"Stay."

Ray's head snapped up. He didn't know if he'd heard her correctly. She wasn't looking at him; her eyes were closed, her head turn slightly toward the wall. Did she really ask him to stay? "In the apartment?"

"I'm not sure where you're going. I don't know if you are just moving out of the apartment or if you're leaving the city."

"I'm staying in Chicago."

"And County?" Neela curved her head enough for Ray to see her eyes.

"I don't know. I can't …" Ray clenched his fist and hit the mattress a few times before turning his eyes to meet hers. "Neela do you know how hard this is for me?" Ray dropped his eyes to his hand, his only good hand and let it relax against the sheets as he thought about what he would say next. He wanted her to know that his feeling hadn't changed and that he couldn't take it anymore, couldn't wait anymore. "Do you know what it's like for me to see you with him?"

"I'm not with him anymore." Neela waited for Ray to meet her eyes again before continuing, "Tony and I … it was a mistake."

XXXXXXXXXXXXX


	6. Contract

_**Disclaimer:** Without Prejudice. The names of all characters contained here-in are the property of John Well, WB & NBC. No Infringements of these copyrights are intended, and are used here without permission (But if I did own them I would do something like the following with them)._

_**Spoilers:** Everything up to City of Mercy. Please remember that when I started this fic Meg was fie and trying to get Tony back. Nothing had happened to her._

_**Summary:** I don't like to use characters full names and I really don't like continuously calling them by their last names but in this case I had to use Dubenko because calling him Lucien just didn't fit. _

XXXXXXXXXXXXX

**_7:30am Thursday the 18th February – General Surgical Ward Room 1616 _**

Even though his discharge hadn't been confirmed Ray was still dressed sitting on the edge of his hospital bed with his bag packed next to him and his arm safety strapped across his chest, waiting. It seemed to Ray all he'd done was wait. Wait for test results, wait to see signs of improvements and most importantly he was waiting to go home. And he'd only been locked up here for a few days.

Ray was ready to sign himself out AMA when he heard someone tap on his door; he flicked his head up expecting to see Dubenko only to find it Luka standing in front of him. "So … am I out of here?" Ray asked with half a smile on his face.

"That's what I came to talk to you about. I don't know about your discharge but I wanted to talk to you about your last year of residency." Luka pulled himself into a sitting position on the bed next to Ray. "You haven't signed your contract."

"Pratt told you."

"No. I checked with admin and you haven't submitted it yet." Luka pulled an envelope from his top pocket and held it out for Ray to take.

"What's this?"

"It's another copy. I know about Mercy and North-Western." Ray sighed a little as he turned the contract in his hand. "I want you to sign that and I'll see you back at work on Monday. We'll find things for you to do until your back to full duties."

"That could be weeks." Ray said as he thought that it might never happen. He may never be able to do the things he used to do.

"That's okay, we have lots of charts."

XXXXXXXXXXXXX

"Hey Neela." Tony reached out and grabbed her by the arm pulling Neela to a stop. "I've been calling you."

"And I asked you not to."

"What's going on? I call and you won't talk to me. You …" Tony looked up and down the corridor and saw Chuny walking toward them. Turning quickly he pushed Neela into an empty exam room. "You tell me to go away without any reason."

Neela shook Tony's hand off her arm before folding her arms across her chest. "I told you why. I've told you every time you called."

"So what, you're going to take him home with you?"

"No I'm going to take Ray to his apartment. Now Tony, please, you have things that you need to workout." Neela just wanted to leave; go upstairs get Ray and leave. But Tony was blocking the doorway and her only way out of the exam room. He'd made sure that he was blocking her only exit and it was making Neela very uneasy. "I told Ray I'd be right back."

"You told _Ray_." Tony almost spat the last word.

His voice shocked Neela enough for her fall back a few steps. Scanning the room she decided that she had to get out, away from Tony and his misplaced rage. "I'm leaving … I'll talk to you when you've calmed down." Neela pushed passed Tony only to feel his hand wrap around her arm again.

"Neela, please." He whispered into her ear. "We can work this out."

"There's nothing to workout. So please let me go." Neela tried to pull away from him only he tightened his grip. "Tony you're scaring me." With that Neela felt Tony's grip loosen enough for her to pull away from him and push her way out of the room and all but jogged her way back to the admin desk.

"Neela."

She spun around at the sound of Ray's voice, "Hey. Are you ready to go?" Neela's eyes were flicking from Ray to the corridor she'd just left. She wanted to make sure that Tony hadn't followed her out. She wanted to leave.

"Yeah. Are you?" Ray asked.

"Sure let's go." Neela watched as Ray scanned her up and down. "What?"

"Don't you want to get your coat?"

"Ahh yeah. It's upstarts," Neela said as she pointed toward the elevators, "I'll meet you in the ambulance bay."

"Okay … Neela." Ray waited for her to turn back to face him. "Are you okay?"

"Yeah, fine." Neela tried to give him a reassuring smile. "I'll meet you outside."

XXXXXXXXXXXXX

**_9:20am – Ray's Apartment _**

Ray took a step back so he could follow Neela out of the elevator. It wasn't until now when his apartment came into sight that he realized he didn't have a key. Well he didn't know where his key was. He used to keep one in the power box but the super found it months ago and Ray hadn't bothered to find another hiding place.

Hoping that it would be in his backpack and He just didn't remember Ray unzipped the front pocket and reached in only to pull out the envelope that Luka had given him. Only now it contained his copy of a signed contract. "Neela, I'm gonna have to call the super. I don't where my key is."

Neela smiled back at Ray as she reached into her own bag, "I've got it." Pulling out her hand she let the single key dangle from the small globe. "I took it to get your things and forgot to give it back."

Ray hadn't even thought about how she had gotten into his apartment; he'd been too concerned that he hadn't told her about the whole moving thing. He waited and watched as she turned the key in the lock and pushed open the door to what was once home for both of them. And again he found himself following her into the apartment .Just being with her; it was the simple things like this that made him miss her so much.

All he'd been able to think about was her asking him to stay. Neela wanted him to stay. He'd asked her to stay and he'd asked her to come home and she refused both times; but now she wanted him. Well she didn't want him to leave at least

"What's that?" Neela asked as she pointed to the envelope Ray held in his hand.

"Ahh. It's my contract." Ray turned in his hand just as he did when it was handed to him just few hours earlier. "Luka brought it to me."

"Really.'

"Yeah. He wants me to sign it and come back to work on Monday." Ray let the backpack fall to the fall but he still had the contract in his hand. He glanced around taking in his living room; well what wasn't in boxes anyway. He wasn't sure what he should do now. He felt uncomfortable and he'd never felt that way around Neela. "Do you want something for breakfast?" Ray dropped the envelope on the counter and pulled open the door to the fridge.

"No, thanks."

Ray checked the date on the milk in the fridge and guessed that it was best Neela didn't want anything. He also wasn't sure how he was going to unscrew the cap anyway. "Or anything else." He mumbled to himself as he closed the door. With that comment it hit Ray that someone, mostly the nurses had helped him with everything. He still needed help putting on his shirts and Luka wanted him at work on Monday.

"Ray."

Neela's voice pulled him out of his thoughts. "Sorry … I was…" Ray turned around and saw that Neela was focused on the envelope; on the contract.

"Are you going to sign it?" She asked as Ray watched her stare shifted from the contract to Ray, "are you going to stay?"

Ray curled the corner of his mouth, "Yeah."

"Good … thank you."

"Thank you?" Ray questioned as he closed the gap trapping Neela between him and the kitchen wall.

"For not leaving."

"I found a better reason to stay." He gradually traced his left hand up her arm, eventually reaching the curve of her neck without protest. Leaning in he closed the little distance that remained between them as he pressed his lips softly over hers.

Neela seemed frozen for a moment before pulling away from him without warning. "I can't do this right now."

"Neela."

"It's just too soon.

The words hurried out of her mouth that quickly that Ray almost missed them. "Neela wait." By the time he called for her the door to the apartment was closed and he was left standing in the middle of the packed boxes. "I'm sorry." His voice didn't even reach a whisper. _'Why did I have to push so fast?'_

XXXXXXXXXXXXX

Sorry this was so short.


	7. I'm Done

**Disclaimer:** Without Prejudice. The names of all characters contained here-in are the property of John Well, WB & NBC. No Infringements of these copyrights are intended, and are used here without permission (But if I did own them I would do something like the following with them).

**Spoilers:** Everything up to City of Mercy

**Information:** I made a mistake with the date in the last chapter I put February as the month when it should have been January. Hope I didn't confuse anyone. I also don't know where Ray came from so I put Philly, I have a memory that he transferred from Philly but I may just have read that in a fic. I'm really not sure.

XXXXXXXXXXXXX

**_6:30pm Sunday the 21st January – Ray's New Apartment _**

"Hey thank guys. I couldn't have done it without you." Ray said as he stood in the middle of his new living room filled with boxes.

"I'll see you tomorrow right?" Luka asked.

"Yeah. Are you sure you don't wanna stay for a beer?" Ray asked again wanting to thank Luka in someway for giving up his afternoon off to help him move.

"No, thanks, I want to get Joe from the sitter before Abby gets home." Luka picked his jacket up off one of the boxes where he's carelessly discarded it hours ago. "See you Greg."

Ray turned to see Pratt wave to Luka as he left, "You're gonna have one right?"

"Yeah, I'm impressed that you've been here for less then 4-hours and you already have beer in the fridge." Greg said as he reached out to take the bottle from Ray.

"I don't know where all this stuff came from. All I had when I came from Philly was a box of clothes, a box of records, the stereo and my guitar." Ray dropped into the armchair across from Greg.

"I moved around a lot as a kid. We learnt not to keep to many things. I still live in the same crappie apartment in the same crappie neighborhood I did when I was at med school just so I don't have to move again." Greg said as he sat the bottle down on the box that was currently doubling as a coffee table. "What are you doing with that?" Greg pointed to a single box sitting on its own next to the door with _'Neela'_ printed neatly on the side.

"Its just a few CD's and some books I found." Nothing in the box was important but it was all Neela's and his original intention behind moving was to put everything behind him. He'd tried to put her behind him and now it was like she'd followed him in some way. "I'll take it to her," Ray lifted his right arm away from his chest and waved it as best he could in the back strap and sling. "As soon as I can lift it."

"Where is she anyway? I thought she'd be here helping you settle in." Greg didn't even try and hind the meaning behind his statement.

"I haven't heard from her since Thursday." Ray dropped the tone of his voice before quickly draining the remaining liquid from his bottle. "You want another?" He asked as he pulled himself up and headed back to the kitchen.

"No." Greg stood "I can't stay. I'm on at eight." He moved toward the door, his eyes scanned the living room of the new apartment. "I know she's with Gates but you can't keep---"

"She's not with Gates anymore." Ray cut Greg off before he could finish as he let himself fall against the wall for support.

"Well what are you waiting for?"

Ray cocked the corner of his mouth, "just giving her space."

"Well that's your call this time. I just want you to remember where that advice got you last time." This time it was Greg who gave Ray the smug grin.

Ray just raised the unopened beer bottle to Greg as he opened the door and left. He'd tried to only be her friend and she left, he gave her space and she went out with Gates, he kissed her and she all but ran out of his apartment. _'What am I waiting for' _Ray thought as he dropped back into the armchair and pushed the bottle between his legs so he could twist the top off with just his left hand. _'For her to walk away from me again.' _

XXXXXXXXXXXXX

**_8:05am Monday the 22nd January – ER County General _**

He was late but he didn't see a reason to change a well developed pattern today; especially seeing as the best he had to look forward too was a day of reviewing charts and triage. Not that he was sure how he was going to do either. He was after all right handed and his right hand was currently splinted and strapped across his chest.

"Hey Ray, you comin' in?"

He waited for the footsteps to come to a stop next to him before he looked down with a grin, "Hey Sam."

"So?" Sam managed to repeat her previous question with nothing more than one word and the tone of her voice.

"So," Ray laid his left hand across her shoulders, "we're late." He used his arm to pull them forward only letting it drop when Sam reached out to tap the glass so Haleh would buzz them in.

"Hey man welcome back." Greg slapped him on the back, "You're late and I'm out of here."

Ray didn't even have a chance to respond as his eyes followed Greg out the doors, pulling on his coat as he walked. He'd left him standing in the middle of the ER like it was any other day. A week ago he'd walked out those doors with no idea how much things would have changed when he was wheeled back through just a few hours later.

The dull pain from his cracked ribs was a constant reminder, however Ray preferred that to the numb almost nonexistent feeling in part of his right hand. It was that thought that dropped Ray's eyes to his coat and what it hid. Or rather what it didn't hide. Any one could see that he'd been unable to put his arm through his right coat sleeve; it instead it hung over his shoulder.

'_What good am I?'_ Ray wasn't sure why he agreed with Luka and signed that contract, why had he agreed to come back to work so soon. How was he going to help anyone today? _'This wasn't a good idea.' _Ray turned to take a step toward the doors when they opened to admit another doctor. "Gates." His tone was less than friendly.

"Leaving already?" Tony didn't give him anytime to respond. "Well it's probably best."

"You'd like that but no I'm staying." Ray turned and walked toward the doctor's lounge.

"I was just thinking of the patients."

Ray heard Gates as he walked away even though pretended he didn't. _'Thinking about the patients? Gates never thought about anyone but himself.' _Ray pushed the door to the lounge open and shrugged his jacket off and his focus came to rest on the small combination lock.

In the last 4-days he'd worked out how to shower, dress himself, cook and he was even dressing his chest wound. But looking at the lock he wasn't sure just how he was going to hold the lock and turn the dial at the same time with one hand. Ray lifted the lock and let it fall back against the locker door a few time; trying to work out how he was going to open. He knew if he thought about it long enough he'd work it out.

"Do you need a hand?"

The quite voice made Ray to turn with a smile on his face, "Thanks," He pressed his back onto the locker next to his allowing it to take most of his weight. "28 19 78" Ray handed over the combination.

"Birthday?" Abby asked with a smile as she turned the dial on the lock.

"Yeah mine." Ray knew what she was thinking and Abby handed him his stethoscope and pulled out his lab-coat and took his coat. "Thanks."

"Is everything okay?" Abby asked.

Ray guessed his face gave him away. "Yeah. I just don't think I'll need this." Ray said as he leaned passed Abby and pushed his lab-coat back into the locker next to his jacket. "Y'know one arm and all."

"How's the pain?" Abby asked as she snapped the lock closed and pointed to his arm.

"No pain in my hand."

"And your chest … ribs?"

"Oh yeah they hurt like hell." Ray wrapped his stethoscope around his neck, clipped his pager and ID to his belt. "Let's do this." He pulled open the door and stepped back and waited for Abby.

"Hey Ray there's a kid in curtains, his got a cough, headache. All the usual flu stuff can you take a history and let Abby know if you need help." Archie held out the chart.

"You want me to see patients?" Ray asked more than a little confused.

"Ray you're back right? Because Luka said you're back."

Ray looked at the chart, how was he going to write on that. What if he hurt the kid in someway? "I'm not …" he looked Abby for support, maybe some reassurance that he could do this. He focused back on the chart and hoped that no one expected too much from him. "Yeah I'm back."

XXXXXXXXXXXXX

'_Just be normal' _Ray told himself as he pulled back the curtain. "Okay Jake, my name is Dr. Barnett and I need to ask you a few questions." Ray smiled at worried young women sitting on the end of the bed who he guessed was mother. He looked for a last name at the top of the chart. "Mrs. Collins."

"Yes."

"I'm going to examine your son; I also need to take a medical history." Ray could see the look on her face as he pulled a meal table across so he could rest the chart on it. "I'm going to take your temperature now." Ray carefully placed his pen on the chart and picked up the white electronic thermometer. "Jake this is thermometer. I'm going to place this end in your ear and it'll tell me your temperature. Okay?"

"Did you break your arm?" Jake looked up at Ray.

"Jake," His mother tried to silence the child.

"It's fine. I did break my arm." Ray answered the boys question as he waited the few second it took to get Jake's temperature.

"How'd you do it?"

Ray stopped, he wasn't sure how he was going to answer that question and not lie. "I fell." Ray guessed it was better than telling the kid that he mugged.

"Why isn't it plastered?" Jake could only just finish his question as he began to cough uncontrollably.

"Mrs. Collins is Jake allergic to any medication?" Ray was surprised at how easy this was going as he slipped the stethoscope from his neck.

"No. I don't think so."

"Good can you lift up his shirt for me?" He placed he stethoscope onto Jake's back, '"Jake can you take in a deep breath … and again." Ray ticked a few of the boxes on Jake's chart. "Jake do you have any pains in the belly?"

"No,"

"How about anywhere else?"

"No."

"Okay, Mrs. Collins your son has a chest infection. I'm going write a script for some antibiotics; if he doesn't respond within 48-hours or if he gets any worse I want you to bring him back." Ray smiled and walked back toward the admin desk. Now he just needed someone to write the script.

"Hey Chuny." Ray grabbed the chart from the table and took a few quick steps to catch up with her.

"Ray," Chuny had to usual sing song tone to her voice, "You're back."

"I am. Have you seen Abby?"

"Yeah, she's in sutures." Chuny stopped outside the drug lock up. "Do you need a hand with anything?"

"No. I'm good." With his hand full Ray used his back to push open the door that lead into the sutures. "Hey Abby can you write out a script for Tetracycline for the kid in curtains?" It wasn't until Ray held out the chart that he saw who was on the other side of Abby patient. "Neela." Ray suddenly didn't know what to do. He hadn't seen her; he hadn't even spoken to her seen she left his apartment on Thursday. His old apartment, their old apartment. "How are you?"

"Good thanks. Well you're busy and Mr. Whirly is all clear." Neela snapped off her gloves. "And I've got to get back upstairs."

Ray let his eyes floor to the floor rather than watch Neela all but run from the room, "so can you right the script?" Ray was hoping that Abby hadn't noticed Neela's reaction.

"Sure," Abby pulled her pad from her coat pocket and began to make a few notes on the chart. "What was all that about?"

"All what?"

"All what? Neela couldn't get out of here quick enough."

"Yeah I don't know." Ray was trying to sound uninterested. Like it wasn't a big deal.

"I thought you two were okay these days."

"So did I." Ray mumbled a little louder than he intended. He reached out to take the script from Abby only to have her pull it back toward herself. "Abby."

"What happened?"

"Nothing," Ray tried to take the script again only to have Abby pull it further away. "Abby?" Ray tried to keep his voice flat and firm.

"Ray," only to have Abby return with his name in the same tone. "What'd you do?"

"Nothing." Ray saw the expression on Abby face change. She knew he was lying Ray felt sorry for Joe; that kid doesn't stand a chance. "We kissed or maybe I kissed her." His voice scarcely above a whisper.

"And?"

"And." Ray raised his voice along with his hand for a brief moment and pointed toward the door.

"This is the first you've seen her; you haven't spoken to her since?"

"Well maybe I knew what she was going to do."

"What?"

"She saw me ran from the room."

"Ray … do I need to tell you of all people about women?" Abby sighed.

"No." Ray adjusted the stethoscope around his neck out of nervous anticipation of what Abby's next question might be. "Can I just have my script please?" This time when he reached out Abby let him take the small piece of paper. "Thank you."

_**2:10pm**_

Ray walked toward the admin desk; he'd found a use for his right arm after all. He was using it to hold charts; currently tucked under his right arm was the chart of a three year old and if the lab work was back he would be able to clear his 11th patient for the day.

'_Not bad for the one arm man,'_ Ray smiled at that thought as he passed the drug lockup and head muffled voices. Stopping just outside he didn't need to look in to know who those voices belonged too, it was Abby and Neela and god only knew what they were taking about. Ray thought better of disturbing them instead he focused on his arm as he walked.

The best outcome Ray could hope for was 6-weeks before he was back to full duties and that was if everything went well. If the feeling came back in his hand, if his broken arms healed with no complications and he was able to get his strength back. Ray had originally thought he was going to hate spending the unknown number of weeks with cases that should have been taken care of by a family doctor and chats.

Only most of his cases had been kids and for a nice change he'd been able to help them. All simple things that could be fixed with bed rest and medication. That was until now. Ray was standing at the admin desk, his sole focus on the lab report in front of him, his finger absently tapping the desk next to it in a steady rhythm.

"Are you right?" Frank barked at Ray.

"Where's Luka?" Ray asked.

"I'm right here." Luka said. Ray hadn't glanced up and he didn't stop the tapping. "What is it?"

"The kid in four has HCL." Ray voice was as grim as the results he just read out.

"Leukemia. Are you sure?" Luka questioned as he reached for the results.

"Oncology will have to do a full workup but his mother brought him in because he had scratchers that won't clear up, bruises she can't explain and fatigue. Combine that with the low white cell count and the hairy outline of his blood cells."

"How old?"

"Three."

"Have him admitted and get someone from oncology come down and talk to the mother." Luka handed back the lab results. "There's nothing you can do."

"There's nothing anyone can do." Ray clipped the results onto the charts and tucked the board under his sling. He walked out from behind the desk with his head down, how could a day that was working out so well come to end like this.

This morning the kid's mother thought he had the flu, maybe an infection of some kind. Now he was going to tell her that he was being admitted and that what he had was incurable. He was worried about his hand and this kid probably wasn't going to see his eighth birthday.

So lost in his own thoughts Ray didn't realize where he was walking and certainly didn't see Haleh wheeling the supply trolley out of storage until it hit him. The force of the impact on his side dislodged the chart and caused Ray to buckle.

"Watch where you're going." Haleh didn't know who she was yelling at until she made it to the other side of the trolley. "Oh … Ray are you okay."

He had to draw in a few deep breaths before he could answer. "Yeah." And that one word was all he could manage.

"Ray," Neela bent down next to him, "What happened?"

"I didn't see him." Haleh tried to explain as Neela started up at her.

"Here, let's get him up." Abby said as her eyes search for the closest chair or bed.

"I'm fine. I can get myself up." Ray tried to shake off whoever's hand was wrapped around his arm and trying to pull him up. "I just need to catch my breath."

"You're not fine you could have dislodged something you have to get that checked. An x-ray at least." Neela said as she kept hold of his arm to help him up.

"The doctor voice." Ray said to her with half a smile, the serious one she would use with him when she knew he wasn't listening to her.

"Ray."

"Neela I'm fine."

Abby held out the chart that had fallen next to Ray, "I'll leave you two to sort this out." She handed the chart to Neela, "Okay."

"Yeah thanks." Ray said as Abby walked away from them. "Can I have my chart back?"

"Can I look at your arm?"

"Neela just give me the chart." Ray was getting sick of everyone deciding what was best for him, whether he needed help. What he could manage.

"Let me do a wound check and an x-ray and you can see your patient while I wait for the films to come back." Neela waited but Ray didn't respond. "Please."

"Fine but one x-ray that's it."

XXXXXXXXXXXXX

Neela thought that sutures would be the most private place she could take him. She'd guessed that he didn't want everyone to know what had happened. "Here," She pulled across a table for him to rest his arm on. "Do you want me to take the sling off?"

"I got it."

She watched as Ray reached up with his left hand and in two quick movements he had his sling off and his arm on the table. "How's the pain?" Neela asked as she undid the Velcro straps that held the back strap in place. He hadn't pulled any of the stitches, a few more days and they could come out. The first thing she noticed this morning was that he'd already removed the ones from above his eye.

"It's my ribs that hurt. My hand just pins and needles but its been like that for a day now." Ray's eyes were following Neela's fingers as they pressed there way down his arm to his hand.

"Have you told Miller?" Neela knew that Ray wouldn't have told anyone. He was very good at keeping things to himself; never letting anyone in. But for some reason he wanted to let her in and maybe it was time for her to stop hiding from him.

"Nar. I've got to see him on Wednesday anyway … don't want to get my hopes up." Ray raised his eyebrows as he spoke. "Might just be pins and needles."

"Is it in your little finger?" Neela was trying to ask the question as casually as she could. Not knowing if her voice had betrayed her.

"No," Ray caught her eyes with his and used his left hand to guide her, placing the pad of her index finger at the base of his wrist. "I notice here last night." Ray moved just a few centimeters from his little finger, "When I woke up they'd worked there way down to here."

"That's a good sign." Neela should have been following his hand but she was fixed on his face, his eyes. _'God I can't do this now._' Blinking a few times she had to focus on what she was doing. "It looks okay but I'll do the x-ray just to make sure nothings moved."

XXXXXXXXXXXXX

_**3:40pm**_

"Frank can you let Neela know when the films she ordered are back?" Sam dropped them on the desk next to Frank as she walked pass.

"What I work for the surgical service now." Frank yelled as usual not caring who heard him.

"I'll give them to her." Tony grabbed them off the desk, "If anyone's looking for me I'll be upstairs."

"Sure I'll just be your personal messenger."

"Thanks." Tony walked toward the elevators only to find Neela on the stairs, "Hey you."

"What is it Tony I'm busy."

"Your films. I didn't know your were covering the ER today." Tony asked as he handed over the large brown envelope.

"I'm not. Ray got hit with a trolley I just wanted to make sure he didn't do anymore damage."

"Well you didn't waste anytime did you?" Tony snapped at her.

"I beg your pardon?" Neela stood motionless shock at how quickly he moved from charming to anger.

"Barnett doesn't care---"

"Stop!" Neela cut Tony off bluntly. "I don't want to hear it. I hoped we could be friends but I don't think that's going to happen." Neela finished and walked away from Tony toward the ER.

"Neela just wait." Tony called after her only for Neela ignore him and continued down the corridor. "Neela I'm sorry."

She knew that once she got to the admin desk she could turn be the corner and be out of Tony's sight; she also wanted to find Ray. And there he was, just as she turned the corner she could see him outside curtains. Only he currently had an older lady literarily cry on his shoulder; she also noticed that Dr. Marlin from Oncology was walking away from them.

Neela waited for Ray to catch sight of her and then she held up the file containing his x-rays. X-rays that she hadn't even looked at yet. There might not even be a reason to pull him away from that poor women.

Or maybe Ray had dislodged the break in someway. Either way Neela knew that Ray wasn't going to be pulled away until he was ready. Neela took a step back so she could see if anyone was in exam one, seeing that it was empty she pointed to the room and waited for Ray to nod before she disappeared behind the row curtains.

XXXXXXXXXXXXX

"Anything?" Ray asked as he entered the exam room, he's noticed that Neela had already pinned up the x-ray.

"Everything looks okay." Neela said as she stepped aside for Ray to observe the board. "In fact it looks incredibly good."

Instead of checking for himself Ray reluctantly lowered himself into a sitting position on the edge of the bed. "Can you still see the breaks?"

"Its been a week but there's no movement and you can see the calcium forming around the fracture considering the time frame I'm not sure you could hope for more." Neela's glanced over at Ray and he watch as the concern started to cover her face. "How's your chest?"

Ray knew his shoulders were hunched over. He was trying to take some of the pressures off his rib but it wasn't working. "It's just my ribs."

"Here," Neela positioned herself between his legs ensuring that she was closer than she needed to be. "I'm just going to check your chest lac." She didn't break eye contact as she reached out and slowly lifted his shirt.

Ray felt the cool air hit his stomach first and travel up his chest along with his shirt. Even though he knew it was coming he couldn't stop himself from drawing in a breath as she gently laid her fingers next the dressing that cover the gash to the left side of his chest.

"Does that hurt?"

Ray shook his head as he all but whispered his response into her ear, "No." Covering her hand with his Ray let it press flat on his chest as he began to draw small, soft circles on her arm. He wasn't going to move; he wanted Neela to choose what would happen next as his fingers worked there way almost to her elbow.

He could feel her warm breath moving excruciatingly slowly along his cheek bone. He ran his hand down from her arm to her hip wanting to pull her a little closer to him when he heard the blinds hit the door as it opened.

"Oh god! I'm sorry." Abby voice was practically a scream as she let the door close without giving either of them a chance to explain.

Neela jumped out of his grasp and he watched as her face turned red and he let his own guilty expression fall into a smile. "Sorry," he didn't know what else to say and he could see that wasn't the right thing.

"I've got to get back upstairs."

"Okay." Ray didn't want her to just walk away again but he didn't want to put any pressure on her either, so he just watched as she backed out of the room. "I'll see you later."

She stopped moving suddenly. "What time are you off?"

"Six and you?"

"Five … would you like to go out for a drink when you're off?"

"Yeah, sure."

"Do you want me to wait for you?" The nerves were showing in her voice.

"No. Get out while you can; I'll met you there."

Ray sat where he was for a few minutes, his ribs all but forgotten and smile he wasn't sure would leave his face.

XXXXXXXXXXXXX

_**5:40pm**_

"Neela."

The sound of her name only caused her to wrap her coat tighter around herself as she quickened her step. Neela had only just made it onto the street from the ER and she was just a few short blocks from the bar when she heard him call her name.

"Neela please wait."

Regretting it immediately Neela slowed to a stop. "What do you want Tony?" She asked as she folded her arms across her chest.

"Where are you going?"

"For a drink not that it's any concern of yours." Neela started to walk away from Tony only to have him stay in-step next to her. "Aren't you still on?"

"I'm on a break. Let me walk you."

"I don't need to be walked anywhere" Neela stopped. "Just go back to work."

"Come on I want to try that friends thing you talked about." Tony flashed a smile as he took a few small steps in the direction of the bar.

"Fine," Neela reluctantly agreed as she fell in next to him.

"I didn't mean what I said earlier about you and Barnett."

"Really?" Neela replied rather sarcastically as she focused on the snow covered footpath in front of her. "What did you mean?"

"Just that I know you wouldn't do anything with someone like him---"

"_Like him_ that's rich coming from you."

"I didn't mea---"

Neela cut him off again as she stood on the edge of the sidewalk and waited for a break in traffic. "I didn't mean this. I never meant that. That's all I've heard from you for months. Tell me Tony do you even know what he truth is?" Neela flicked her eyes toward the bar than up and down the street. She watched as Tony opened and closed his mouth a few times. "I didn't think so." With that she jogged across the road only to have Tony follow her.

"Neela just wait" He yelled as he grabbed her by the arm and stopped her from opening the door to the bar.

"Tony please let go of me." Neela kept her voice low and to the point not wanting to attract attention. "Please."

Instead of letting her go Tony pulled her closer into him, "I'm not letting you go that easily." Tightening his grip Tony pulled Neela up and kissed her on the cheek then let her go all in one swift movement.

XXXXXXXXXXXXX

**_5:50pm_**

Ray had watch as Neela walk out the emergency doors; he'd wanted to let her know that he was getting out early, that they could walk to the bar together. That was until Luka grabbed him and asked him how his shift had gone and how he was feeling. He'd been saying fine and good for the last ten minutes but Luka didn't seem to be convinced.

As it happened the day had turned out better than he could have ever hoped. _'And it was about to get even better'_ Ray thought as he glanced up and down the street while he waited to cross. Only as he waited he caught sight of someone who looked a lot like Neela; it was Neela. With Gates. Very much with Gates.

"Right," He said as he dropped his eyes to the street for a moment and looked up in time to see Gates release Neela. _'He was a mistake.'_ That's what she'd said about him, that's what she'd told him.

He stayed long enough to for her to see him. Once he knew that she had seen him he turned and started back toward the train station.

"Ray it's not what you think?" Neela said almost out of breath as she reached Ray.

Ray turned to see Tony following Neela at a distance, "y'know Neela you can make all the mistakes you like … just leave me out of them." He didn't even want to look at her right now. "I'm done."

XXXXXXXXXXXXX


	8. Back in the ER

**Spoilers:** Everything up to City of Mercy

**Disclaimer: **Without prejudice. The name of all characters contained here-in are the property of John Well, WB & NBC. No infringements of these copyrights are intended and we used here without permission. (Things would have been different if I did own them)

**Spoilers: **Everything up to City of Mercy

**Information:** I started this fic back at the beginning of 2007 and I have finally finished it. One of the reasons I stopped writing was that the show started to follow what I was writing as far as Ray getting hurt and I didn't think anyone would care for this story anymore. But I have had a few requests so now I have completed it.

All mistakes are still mine this is still unbeta'ed (if that is even close to a word).

X~X*X*X~X~X*X*X~X~X*X*X~X

_**10:20pm – ER **_

"Malik," Ray tapped the glass several only to be met with a stare from Malik, "let me in." Ray watched as his expression changed.

"Hey man, are you okay?" Malik jumped up from the triage desk as he hit the buzz to let him in. "Do you need a hand?"

"No. I just need to find Pratt." Ray knew that his voice was strained as he brushed off Malik offer of assistance. He checked each of the trauma rooms only to find that they were both empty; Ray let his forehead fall against the window of trauma two for a moment as he drew in a few deep breaths.

Ray kept his head low hopping not be notice as he made his way to exam four, standing outside he placed his hand on the handle and paused hoping he would be able to hear who was in the room. It also allowed him to rest and take a few more breaths; the pain was getting worse, it was almost more than he could control.

"Hey, Ray." Pratt called as he moved toward the exam rooms. "What are you doing here?"

"I don't know what's wrong?" Ray said as he managed to turn himself around to face Greg.

"Where's your sling?" Greg pushed open the door to exam three and waved his hand and waited for Ray to walked into the room. "I'll get Kovac."

"No. He'll want to call Neuro." Ray drew in another sharp breath as he laid his arm now on the suture table. "Just take a look."

"I'm gonna take a look and I'm gonna want call Neuro." Greg glared at Ray, "y'know that … so why don't you want Kovac in here?"

"Because!" Ray hoped that Greg would know from his tone that he just wanted him to leave everyone out of this. "… just do the ultrasound first … please."

"Fine I'll get the ultrasound and than I'm getting Kovac." Greg said as he pushed the door open.

Ray had done everything he could think of to stop the pain. It started to get worst on the train, first he loosen the sling and by the time he'd reached home the pins and needles had started to get sharper, more frequent. He'd settled on the couch and the needles felt more like knives stabbing at his hand, his fingers. Ray took the painkillers he hadn't needed since he left the hospital; he even took his arm out of the sling and back-strap. Only by the time he decided he need to come back to the ER it hurt too much to his arm back into the sling.

"I thought you were on a date tonight?" Luka said as he walked into the room carrying the portable ultrasound with Greg only few steps behind him.

"Thanks Pratt." Ray said as he watch Greg stand on the wall with his arms folded across his chest and head down.

"How about you tell me what the problem is?" Luka laid the ultrasound on the bed next to Ray. "Come on Ray you wanted Pratt to do an ultrasound … you are the best person to tell me what's wrong?"

"I don't know. It started as pins and needles on Sunday night now it feels like knives stabbing into my hand … I thought it might be a clot or maybe I hurt something this afternoon." Ray said as Luka squeezed the gel onto his hand for a brief moment the cold gel felt good.

"But the pain, the pins and needles started on Sunday night?"

"Yeah."

"And your arm was X-rayed this afternoon. Did anything happen once you left the hospital?"

"No. Nothing." Ray said rather quietly before drawing in an audible breath and turned away hoping that if he wasn't watching the probe wouldn't hurt as much. It was all he could do to stop himself from screaming as it was pressed against his hand.

"Okay nothing on the monitor." Luka flicked the ultrasound off. "Have you taken any pain medication?"

"Yeah, morphine."

"Here?" Luka asked as he turned his head toward Pratt.

"No … at home I got tables."

"What dosage?"

"3-miligram."

Luka jotted a few more notes on Ray's chart before passing it to Greg. "Okay Pratt take him upstairs I've ready notified Miller." Luka turned back toward Ray, "I'll come up and check on you later."

"Thanks," Ray glanced up to see the door close behind Luka and Greg still standing in the same position he'd been when he entered the room. Only now his chart was folded in his arm against his chest. "I'll take myself up." Ray managed to slide himself off the edge of the bed to his feet only to find that he had to hold out his good arm to balance himself.

"I don't think so, you can barely walk." Greg said as he took Ray by the arm. "Should get that in a sling." Greg nodded his head toward the arm Ray was trying to cradle.

"Easy for you to say."

"Who was your date with?"

"What?"

"Your date. It can't just be your arm that's got you in this mood." Greg hit the button the elevator.

"It doesn't matter," Ray dropped his head wondering if he could keep his promise that he really was done. He knew that if Neela showed up he wasn't done; wasn't anywhere near it. And that was it, he's yelled at her in the middle of the street, told her he was done and that was eating away at him. The pain was almost a relief.

As the doors to the elevator opened Greg placed his hand over the sensor to ensure the doors didn't close until they were both in the lift. "I'm guessing that it does matter and that means it's not one of your usual one time things. So I guess that means it was Neela."

"When was the last time I had a one time anything?"

"I was right." Greg laughed and a self-assured grin settled on his face. "It was Neela."

"It was meant to be Neela." Ray leaned himself against the hand rail in the elevator, "I show up and she's there with Gates."

"I thought you said she wasn't with Gates anymore."

"Well that's what she said but trust me when I saw them they were defiantly together." Ray focused on the doors as they opened onto the surgical floor; "I'm here," Ray reached out and took the chart from Greg. "I can check myself in." Right now he preferred the pain he could name to the aching in his chest that had nothing to do with broken ribs.

X~X*X*X~X~X*X*X~X~X*X*X~X

_**12:50am 23**__**rd**__** December – Abby's Apartment**_

Neela had been watching the alarm clock since she'd come home and crawled directly into safety of her bed. She simply couldn't sleep; it wasn't her bed or her apartment and every time she closed her eyes all she saw was Ray's face. She'd hurt him all over again, that same face he had when she left their apartment that night to come here. Only this time instead of begging her to stay, to take something of him with her Neela just saw his face and that made the words still echoed in her ears, 'I'm done.'

Now her eyes were open and fixed on that dam clock and her ears heard every noise; noises she'd normally never hear. And they all sounded like a key being turned in the lock. All she could think right now was why had she ever given him a key. Each noise brought an equal mix of hope and fear.

Hope that for some reason Ray had changed his mind and he was at her door and fear that Tony might use his key to get in. She had hated living on her own but it wasn't until tonight that it truly scared her.

Neela knew that she wasn't going to get any sleep if she stayed here.

X~X*X*X~X~X*X*X~X~X*X*X~X

_**7:50am 23**__**rd**__** December – ER County General**_

Neela had been sitting on the bench outside the emergency room doors for the last 20 minutes and most of that was spent watching Abby say goodbye to Luka. She wondered for a moment how Abby and Luka managed to keep it together, a baby and different shifts and they still looked so happy.

It was at that moment that Neela realized that Abby was now walking toward her.

"Morning," Abby said gently as she lowered herself down next to Neela. "You ready to go in?"

"I've been here since three."

"Ray called you?" Abby guessed out loud as way of an explanation as to why she would be here.

"I don't think Ray will be calling me anytime soon." Neela said as she drained the foam cup of what little coffee was left.

"You're not here because of Ray?" The surprise was evident in Abby's voice as she spoke.

"No … Abby?" A wave of fear rolled through Neela as she realized something had happened, something serious enough for Abby to think that she should have been called to hospital.

"You don't know?"

"Don't know what?" The strain of not knowing was starting to show in her.

"He came in last night something to do with his hand. Luka said that Pratt saw him."

"Where is he?" Neela stood, not even waiting for Abby to respond as she began to move toward the ambulance bay and the entry doors.

"Ray? I think he signed himself out." Abby said as she followed Neela trying to keep up.

"No Greg?"

"Ahh … he was on overnight so he might still be here." Abby said as she stood just inside the doors.

"Thanks." _'The lounge.'_ Neela thought as she jogged away from Abby. "Greg," Neela had called for him before she had the door fully open. "Are you … good you're still here."

"No. I'm on my way out." Greg's tone was very short.

"Yeah I know but Abby said that Ray came in last night?"

"He did."

It hit Neela suddenly as she listened to Greg's response that she'd never heard him speak to her like that. "What happened?" Neela lowered her tone hoping to get the information she wanted from Greg.

"Well I'm guessing that if you weren't so busy with Gates you'd know what happened."

"Ray told you about that?" Neela was almost breathless as she answered. She didn't know why she was shocked that Ray had told him about the night before but now all the ways Ray might have been hurt, again.

"So if you don't mind I'm going to go home and get some sleep. I have to be back here in 8-hours." Greg stepped around her.

She heard his hand hit the door not bothering to turn Neela felt the need to try and defend herself. "It's not what he thinks."

"Really he meant to be meeting you for a drink and finds you _with _Gates. I'd say it is exactly what he thinks."

"No … Greg." Neela turned to make sure that Greg was still there and that no one was coming into the lounge. "He won't leave me alone and he follows me … I came to work at three this morning because I didn't want to stay at Abby's by myself."

"Gates won't leave you alone."

"He said that he wouldn't let me go and Ray left before I could talk to him." Neela voice was rushed as she spoke. She knew she had to get it out at once or she might never tell Greg or anyone for that matter. What Neela wanted to know was how she had gotten herself into this; how had her life turned out this way. How did she turn out this way; she knew that Tony wasn't honest, he wasn't even half the image that he projected and yet she'd stayed with him.

She knew that the situation she found herself in was of her own making. What she wanted was to ask Greg where Ray was right now so she could go and talk to him. How had she let their relationship get to the point that Neela didn't know where he lived anymore?

"When did he say that?"

Neela used the back of her hand to brush away the tears that had silently began to fall, "Last night Tony followed me to the bar … I told him … but he … and than Ray saw him with me and …" She gave up as her voice began to crack. She hadn't been able to call out or stop Greg as he turned and walked away from her.

It took Neela a few seconds before she realized what Greg was about to do, who he was in such a rush to find and she really didn't care. She didn't care because she still didn't know where Ray was or if he was alright.

X~X~X~X~X~X~X~X~X~


	9. Come in Please

**Notes** – Again I started this back in 2007, before we knew too much about Ray's family. I must say that I never really believed the 'go home to mom thing'. For me it didn't sit with the Ray I thought I knew.

X~X*X*X~X~X*X*X~X~X*X*X~X

_**Ray's Apartment**_

All his life Ray had wanted to live somewhere like this, just like this he thought as he stared out his living room window and watched as the rain began to pelt against the glass. 'A nice apartment in a good neighborhood.'

When Luka had told him that he'd come back to work too early, that he'd pushed him too hard, he told him to take the week off. _'Go and spend the holiday with your family, let them look after you.'_ He'd said to Ray as they discharged him for the second time.

Only Ray didn't have any real family that he could spend the holidays with, no one to look after him. So he had the nice apartment and the doctor thing was working out better than he had ever hoped. But standing at the window, the new apartment didn't feel like the success that he had dreamed about as a child, it was one of the things that had driven him at school, driven him to better with no one but himself for support.

This place didn't change the fact that he was still alone, he didn't want to admit it but even the memories of his apartment held, as painful as they were kept him company. If he was back there he would be sitting in her room, sitting on her bed with his note pad, only he couldn't sit in her room anymore. His note pad sat on the coffee table, even if he could use his right hand he couldn't sit surrounded by her anymore.

Now all he had was a box of things that he needed to return to her and a photo of them together at some party. A photo that was once carelessly pinned to their fridge now sat in a silver frame next to his bed. Why did he keep doing this to himself? What was the point?

X~X*X*X~X~X*X*X~X~X*X*X~X

_**4:45pm 28**__**th**__** December – Main Entrance **_

It had taken her fours days to get to this point, four days to finally talk a clerk in personnel office into giving her the information that she wanted. Only now she found herself standing in the ambulance bay, a post-it note in her hand, an address that has been quickly copied on it. But she wasn't moving, she was just watching as the sky turned, it wasn't even five and the clouds were so thick it was almost dark.

"If you're going to leave I'd do it soon."

Neela jumped at the sound of Abby's voice. "There's a problem with the El … because 96-hours and missing Christmas in this place isn't enough." What she didn't say, the real reason she was standing staring at the sky, her feet to heavy to move was that Ray hadn't even answered when she'd tried to call to see how he was and wish him a Merry Christmas.

"You haven't been home in four days?"

"No … I slept in ICU, it's really very quite in ther."

"Abby." Chuny call from the entrance, "Your kid in curtains, his father is here and he is trying to him out AMA."

Abby waved at Chuny and turned back to Neela, "Go before you end up here for another 24-hours."

"Yeah," Neela was already walking toward the road. Stopping just for a moment she looked down at the post-it one last time and turned away from the El platform.

The clouds that had caused the afternoon to darken so quickly opened just a block from the apartment building Neela was looking for. Her coat did little to protect her from the freezing rain; in fact it felt like someone had tipped a bucket of ice water over her. The only good thing about the rain meant that she couldn't turn back; she couldn't chicken out as she jogged up the few steps into his building.

X~X*X*X~X~X*X*X~X~X*X*X~X

The constant low rumble of thunder outside had him thinking about all the times the power went out at their old apartment, Neela would lay on the couch and he would sit on floor with his guitar. _'His guitar'_, with that thought he looked down at his right arm, it was in a light cast now and he drummed his fingers on windowsill. He still couldn't feel his little finger and it still didn't really respond but he could live with that. He could still play his guitar and he could still be a doctor.

At first Ray wasn't sure if he'd really heard the tap at his door or if it was just an echo from the noise outside, and then he heard the second louder knock. 'Pratt' he thought as he opened his door without checking the peep hold. The crooked smile fell from his face.

"I'm sorry I shouldn't have come." Neela said as she turned to leave.

"No … I'm just surprised to see you." Ray reached out and grabbed her with his left hand, "You're soaked." He spoke without thinking; the last person he has expected to find at his door was Neela.

"I walked."

"From County?" Ray watched as she nodded and that's all she seemed to be able to do. She was shacking and wet. Very wet.

"I'm sorry I shouldn't have come." Neela pulled away from him and turned leave still shacking from the cold.

"You need some clothes." Ray didn't know what to say, how was he going to get her to stay now that she was here.

"What?" She turned to face him with as a confused expression washed over her face.

"You're wet."

"I have to walk back to the station" Neela raised her arms slightly, "I'll just get wet again."

"Come in, get changed and I'll drive you back to Abby's." Ray pushed the door open to allow her to in, hoping that she would. He feared she would walk away from him again, that she would just leave him standing alone in his apartment all over again. He'd moved to get away from those memories, to get away from that night and she was about to leave him again. "Please."

~X~X~X~X~X~X~X~X~X~X~X~X~X~X


End file.
